Two Little Words

Having had my ambitions override my common sense more times than I care to imagine and gotten myself into unpleasant situations because of it, you could probably forgive me for being incredibly cautious about committing to anything. I don’t take huge risks, even a 10% probability of failure makes me think twice. I have to be as thoroughly informed about a situation before binding myself to a particular course of action. As I always think things through comprehensively it means that I always know exactly why I have done what I have done. It means I have very few regrets. However, you would not be human if you didn’t have at least a few.

Two words that are guaranteed to cause no small amount of discomfort to an individual are “what” and “if”. Everyone thinks these words. What if I had done better at that exam? What if I had taken that route home instead of this one? What if I had chosen a different career? What would have been different? Dwell on them too much and it can consume you and degrade what you already have. You can become trapped in this train of thought as it dominates your existence. You focus entirely upon the past and ignore the present.

This is what has been happening to me over the last few weeks. My one real regret in life revolves around somebody that I used to know (why does writing those words make the song “somebody that I used to know” by Gotye immediately pop into my head? I’m starting to think that they are playing far too much on the radio). I used to know a girl called Marie and we started working together in the local café when I was sixteen. She was one of the kindest and sweetest people that I have ever known and we got on well. One day I found out that she had a crush on me and I didn’t really know how to deal with that (it was not long after that I was diagnosed with Aspergers). My feelings towards her were conflicted and I wasn’t sure if I loved her back. I never really resolved these emotions and left her hanging on. I didn’t know this at the time, but looking back this was really cruel on my part and I freely admit that I behave like a total ba*t*rd. The way her beautiful blue eyes lit up when I mentioned how beautiful they work made me feel emotions that I haven’t really felt since. After I finished school and had my first major breakdown I started to realise that I did actually love her. How could I not, she was kind and caring and always had time for me.

 I was so close to asking her out but after starting university I had my second major nervous breakdown and as my world around me imploded I started to see that I could not invite her into my life to share in my suffering. To take her down with me would be more than I could bear. By that point she too had started at a different university but still came back in the first winter holidays to work at the café. I had stopped working there by then but still saw her around during those weeks. I still kept my silence though it became so painful that I could no longer bear to see her and started avoiding her which must have hurt her too. For that I am truly sorry. That was the last time that I saw her.

I was reminded of her recently when playing Mass Effect 3 (I’m a huge, huge fan/geek when it comes to the Mass Effect series. They say you’re either Star Trek or Star Wars: well I’m Mass Effect). One of the characters in those games (Liara T’Soni) who always reminds me of Marie. It makes me wonder what if I had asked her out? Would things have turned out differently? Now I know about my condition I realise that she would have been perfect for me and I realise now that I did love her. I could find her again but the situation would not be the same. She is probably happy with someone else and I could not risk bringing pain into her life. Maybe she’s changed. I certainly know that I have. All I can do is think: “what if?” which brings back both fond and painful memories (the song “For the rest of my life” by Gary Numan probably best expresses how I feel). I hope she knows that I am sorry and that I wish her happiness wherever she is. I need to focus on the present and future more. It’s like that song by Jay Livingston, “Que Sera, Sera (whatever will be, will be)”. In fact, that seems like the perfect counter to “what if”. Writing things down really does help you with your problems.