Changes...

Finally, I have some time to write! I have just completed my first full week back at work and my first full week with the new guy and a different atmosphere. All that I can say with any certainty is that it has been a week of change. To me it feels like everything has changed. I know that it has not, but it is a feeling deep in my gut that cannot be shifted with any amount of logic or rationalising. The new guy is alright; indeed we share a lot of the same taste in music and computer games. However that represents a greater danger to me than if we were completely unalike: I need to keep my work and home life absolutely separate and that just makes it harder. I worry constantly that he will try and involve me outside of work, which I can understand is normal for NT’s, but undesirable to me. The moment work and ‘play’ bleed together, as they did back when I was at school, then I cannot cope.  

A large part of me mourns the loss of the life I have lost. Just under two years with little major change in my life represents something of a golden age. No matter what I do, I cannot go back to what once was; I can only remember it fondly. That in a way helps me to deal with the change. It is a point in time that I can use as an anchor; a way to almost instantly calm my nerves, even if it is at the cost of a little depression. Mindfulness too helps. Focusing on the moment rather than the wider world helps me a great deal. I now have to focus upon enjoying the little things when I can. For me that usually involves bushcraft and nature. They embody something of a mental escape route when things start to get a little too much. The kind of calm and sense of peace that I can achieve when using mindfulness in times of change is greater than when everything is stable. Whilst I am less in control of my life, I am more in control of my mind and body. 

                                                 The key to my mindfulness technique.  

                                                 © Stephen Horncastle (SC: google images)

I still miss being away, though I think that it may be down to my perceiving it as a simpler time, before the changes occurred rather than my catching wanderlust. Who knows though, I might be wrong. Perhaps more self-analysis will reveal more.

Stress, anxiety and the swear

A while back I wrote a piece on my favourite methods for dealing with anxiety and I ended it by stating that I would post any other ones that came to mind. After stubbing my toe yesterday and issuing a string of highly articulate and inventive profanities that would have made a sailor blush, it finally dawned upon me that I actually felt much better for doing so. It also got me thinking about the times when I have been highly stressed or anxious and whether or not swearing (in private I might add), helped me to deal with the situation. I can remember repeating a certain word (that rhymes with bit) whilst hurtling down a black run on a pair of skis, certain that at any moment something would give and I would soon resemble a giant rolling ball of snow. I didn’t in the end, but my chant, rather perversely, gave me a sense of control and focus. I have lost count of the times when that particular chant has helped me through a difficult situation.

On a psychological level, swearing gives us a sense of control when we have none. When everything else is going down the pan, we can still decide what comes out of our mouth. It almost seems to provide a release for the pent up pain and suffering. Saying socially unacceptable words expresses anguish far more eloquently than any poet ever could. In making it known, the pain somehow lessens. I would never suggest screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs whilst in the middle of a crowded mall. That would most likely end up with you being unceremoniously stuffed into the back of a police car whilst a group of elderly ladies give a series of disapproving looks. If you internalise the dialogue, then you can avoid this particular outcome. Shouting offensive language in your head can work wonders in times of great stress. Points are scored for ingenuity as it will help to take your mind of the cause of your problems. Have fun with it.