Writer's Block!

Despite finally having some time free to sit down and write something, I don’t think that this will be a long post. I am suffering from what I assume to be writers block. You know the feeling; when you can’t seem to concentrate, when your mind feels fuggy. Words and thoughts are briefly glimpsed in the mist only to dance out of sight again. The weather probably doesn’t help. Currently it is so grey outside that it feels like winter. If I were to listen to my body though, I would guess that I am just tired. Having to work double-time to cover for a missing co-worker tends to do that. Not only that, but due to looming deadlines, I am also having to work twice as hard. I feel exhausted, and the worst part is that he will be off for at least another two weeks. Right now I’m just trying to power through it, but I’ll run out of energy sooner or later.

I am sure that it is something that is common to all Aspies, but daily life is exhausting. We have to put so much effort into things that others can do with ease. Social situations are the worst. I physically could not take more than one party every six months. I actually try to avoid them as much as possible, but there are some that I have to do. Even having an exchange with salespeople is tiring. Social contact requires a great deal of concentration which I just cannot manage when I am tired. Social skills are the first thing that my brain seems to jettison when it struggles. It is probably because I had to learn them from scratch rather than them being innate that they are sacrificed so readily.

Because I tire so quickly it is important that I am able to relax as well as sleep properly. A drink in the evening after work helps (as with everything, moderation is the key). The sight of a nice chilled pint of Guinness is enough to instantly bring down my blood pressure.

                                  

                                                           A beautiful sight to behold!

I have been told by several medical graduates that a person could live healthily on just Guinness and carrots. Apparently between them they contain all of the vitamins and minerals that you need. I certainly feel healthier when I have a Guinness as opposed to lager, ale or even wine (by the way I don’t work for Guinness, nor am I being paid to say this, just in case you are suspicious). As long as I avoid caffeine after 3:00pm, as well as bright light, then I can usually get to sleep. I often wonder if other Aspies suffer from insomnia like I do. At night, I just can’t shut off my thoughts. I go through any social interactions that I have had, worry about money and ponder the meaning of life. So far I have come up with survival being the meaning of life. You survive, you pass on your genes and that’s pretty much what all life is all about. That right there is the product of endless hours spent tossing and turning whilst trying to finally drift off (I guess I at least got something useful out it!). It is only through a strict observation of routine as well as the science behind sleep that I manage to at all.

It basically comes down to these points: avoid caffeine after 3:00pm, don’t drink too much alcohol (contrary to popular belief it doesn’t help, especially in large quantities), don’t use computers after 8:00pm, don’t exercise after 3:00pm, avoid all light (even charger lights) and try having a hot bath or shower just before bed. Sounds incredibly strict, not to mention anal, but as I said, it is the only way that I can get a good night’s sleep. And now when I am absolutely shattered from work, it is vitally important to my mental health, not to mention my blogging abilities!

An Aspie in the Social Revolution

The advent of the internet has been a mixed blessing for me, as has the advancement of mobile phone technology. On the one side I have access to more information than I could possibly absorb in a single lifetime, as well as gadgets and tools which my father’s generation would have thought impossible. On the other is the increasing encroachment of social networking as well as the erosion of privacy. Being an Aspie, socialising is not something I am particularly fond of. With face to face meetings I can choose whether or not to engage others. If I don’t want to socialise with that person I can show it through body language (which I have had to learn and I am proud to be better at it than your average male), acting coolly towards them (makes me seem like a total b@$£@rd, so is a last resort) or evade them completely which is the preferable option. The latter is becoming increasingly hard to do, what with things like mobiles and Facebook permeating into our lives.

I have something of a love/hate relationship with my mobile. I use it for emergencies, work related contacts and for communication with my family. Actually, it is a camera first, phone second. I prefer texting to calling as it gives me time to formulate a reply and ensure that I have fully understood what has been said as well as any hidden meanings or sarcasm; something that as an Aspie I struggle with. I do however love my phone as a gadget (and indeed gadgets in general, which I think that I inherited from my dad). Having everything short of a fusion reactor in pocket size is immensely helpful (I am still waiting for a Swiss Army phone with tooth pick, knife, corkscrew and bottle opener!). I never give out my phone number to anyone not closely linked with family or work and it gives me a panic attack when people ask. It’s the same when people ask if I’m on Facebook. To me that suggests a change in the relationship and change, as I have stated before is something that I find about as appealing as a pocket full of live eels. I refuse point blank to be on Facebook, despite the best efforts of my siblings. They think that they’re helping me but it would be a disaster. I have met far too many people that I never wish to see or hear from again to expose myself like that. Every time I have a nervous breakdown I have to disappear from view so that I can recover. Facebook would ruin that. I am also not the same person I was even five years ago. Before that I tried to hide my differences behind an act. People from before then believe that act was the real me. So communicating with people from before then causes me great discomfort and I go to great lengths to avoid them. The past is the past, and that past was terrible for me. I don’t want to go back, and to embrace the Social revolution would be to go back to those times. I am much happier looking in from the outside.

Revelations pt. 1

With the admission this week that the famous blog 'A Gay Girl in Damascus' was in fact written by an American man living in Edinburgh, I feel that I should also make an admission. I am in fact a female tribeswoman of the Kuuthula people of the Amazon Rainforest living in Timbuktu and working in a sandwich factory.


I'm not, but can you imagine if I actually was?

Update

I am sorry that I have not posted in a while. It's not that I am losing interest, more that I am losing time. After the horrendous experience that was a co-worker losing several fingers in front of me, I am having to cover for said co-worker for the next month or so. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to help, but I am pretty depressed about not being able to do my other job which would also give me time to write more on this blog. But hey, needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle (to quote Blackadder).

Of Mice and Men

If you have been following this blog, then you might be aware that I have not posted much in the last week. Well, a series of unfortunate events at one of my jobs has meant that I am doing more time for them. This is a shame because I had just started my traditional outdoorsy summer job which I make time to do every year. In fact it’s more like therapy than a job. Research has suggested that working outdoors and with the earth is beneficial for your mental health, and getting paid for it is beneficial to your wallet. Don’t tell my boss, but I would actually do it for free if I had to. It’s sod’s law that my other job is indoors, and now that I am doing extra days there, the weather is finally nice. So I’m feeling pretty stressed at the moment as my plans (at least as far as work is concerned) are kind of falling apart.

IT should only be for a week and a half, but I have a nasty feeling that it could be extended. At the end of last week, one of my co-workers lost a couple of fingers. I was there when it happened. Let me tell you now, half a lifetime of playing violent games and watching violent films doesn’t necessarily prepare you for violence in real life. I actually remained calmer than I would have thought, and helped to dress the wound as well as we could with blood spurting everywhere. Luckily I’m not sick at the sight of blood or I could have been cleaning up blood and vomit. I felt a little shocked, though I managed to busy myself with work for the rest of the day. Night however was a different thing. When I finally closed my eyes, all I could see was several bloody stumps. Not what I would call conducive to a good night’s sleep.

All in all it means that we are further behind work than we should be, so I might get asked to do extra time, which I’m dreading. I’m torn between loyalty to the firm and the need to do my other job (which makes me happy). One week’s disruption to my routine is bad enough, but more? What is keeping me going is the knowledge that at the moment it is just a week left. Well that and a terrific Cognitive Behavioural Technique (CBT) called mindfulness. Essentially you have to focus on what you are doing and feeling right now (really similar to meditation in Zen Buddhism) and forget the past and future; concentrate on the moment. It helps a lot in any stressful situations. Hopefully though, I should be back to normal next week. Hopefully.