Mr McKinnon.

It was really good news to hear that Gary McKinnon's extradition was blocked. I don't believe that the extradition treaty between Britain and the USA is one-sided. Nor do I believe that he didn't do anything wrong just because he is a fellow Brit or Aspie. What I do believe however, is that he would have killed himself had he been extradited. How do I know that? Because faced with potentially 60 years in prison in another country and culture I can say with absolute certainty that I would take my own life. The change would be cataclysmic and the huge emotional impact would be more than I could bear. ASD doesn't mean that you cannot feel emotion; quite the opposite in fact. I feel far too much. Our brains are wired up in a way that means that we are far more sensitive to emotional stimulus than NT individuals. If you've ever felt overwhelmed by events then you will have some idea of what we quite often face when dealing with change; and believe me when I say that almost every day involves change. And when a change is this huge, that everything you know and love in your world is taken away from you, then life becomes unbearable. The only way out that the obsessive and intensely focused mind of the Aspie would see would be death. Anything to escape from the overwhelming emotion.

I can understand why Gary McKinnon did what he did. I know, and he would have known that it was wrong; but he would have been compelled by his obsessive curiosity to seek out answers to his question. Our SI's completely narrow our focus to such a degree that everything else around us becomes irrelevant and invisible. We cannot help it in the same way that we need to eat and drink. If I think of a question then I am compelled to find an answer, no matter what time at night it is or whatever the possible consequences might be (though the threat of prison in another country has thankfully never been a possibility for me thank God!).

This is not an excuse for what Gary did. I still believe that he should be punished for infringing the rules. After all, we Aspies are known for our love of rules and regulations. I am simply glad that he wasn't extradited to certain suicide. In the end, maybe his skills as a hacker should be employed by either the UK or USA governments. They are certainly a great example of the way that Aspies are quite often the leaders in their fields. The extra publicity for Aspergers Syndrome should also help to improve public perception and understanding for what is at times a horrific burden for any human being to carry. Hopefully Gary can now continue living his life whilst enjoying some of the benefits of it.

Keeping Calm

I must confess that for the last week I have been quietly fighting a sense of panic that threatens to turn into a full blown panic attack. What is causing this? Sadly I have no idea. I have been doing a lot of internalisation, trying to figure out the root of it, but without luck. It seems like the smallest incidences set off these feelings of anxiety, the likes of which I usually only experience before an important social event. Writing down my musing on the subject should help me to externalise possible causes and therefore examine them in more detail.
The most likely source of anxiety that I can think of is that in about a weeks time I will be going on holiday with my parents and youngest brother. I usually feel a little anxious before the annual holiday (or indeed travel of any kind) but never normally this bad or for this long. It probably doesn't help that my other younger brother (K) isn't coming for the first (and most important due to social duties) week. Whilst I love all of my brothers, K is probably the one that I am closest to. He knows me better than anyone else in the family and I share more of my problems with him than I do my parents. He also keeps me calm for reasons that I do not fully understand though I suspect that it is due to a shared humour, his knowledge about me, and the fact that he is a extrovert and so helps me through social situations. He won't be there for only one week, so that shouldn't be the source of all off this nervous energy.
The first time I noticed that I was more tightly strung than usual was when somebody who I don't know well enough asked me for some contact details. That always causes me to have a mini panic attack, but that was about a week ago and it shouldn't last this long. Besides, in this particular incidence I wasn't too bothered about possibly giving them due to their limited nature (they don't breach too many 'compartments' in my compartmentalised world).
It could be the lack of sunlight and the generally gloomy weather that we have been having in the UK that is negatively affecting my mood and hormone production. Sunlight has been proven to have a large impact on human health and during the winter months people can suffer from the ironically named SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder. It could be that, but I have been using a SAD light on the grimmest days.
Another possibility is diet, but I have been eating very healthily with most food groups covered in my diet and  missing no major vitamins or minerals. I have also started taking vitamin B complex in an effort to boost my energy levels and mood; though the science is sketchy at best about the extent to which this can help.
The future seems no more terrifying than it usually is. I am fairly secure in my job as work seems to be picking up again after a long quiet spell. I am being given an increasing amount of responsibility, but that causes a good kind of stress at being challenged. There has been no change in my (lack of) any kind of marital/relationship status, which would be the stress equivalent of a supernova, so everything is peaceful on that front.  
I have been sleeping better than usual for this time of year due to the cooler temperatures at night and the fact that I bought a fan to keep me cool, so it cannot be due to a lack of sleep. It could be partly due to me being a little exhausted by work, which is why I am kind of looking forward to the holiday.
It could quite easily be a combination of all of these factors that is making me so highly strung. I haven't really had time to metaphorically 'sit down and take stock'. I guess that I should try to get back to the basics of my life and focus on the things that bring me an almost primeval sense of comfort, for example bushcraft or one of my SI's. Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things.

Writer's Block!

Despite finally having some time free to sit down and write something, I don’t think that this will be a long post. I am suffering from what I assume to be writers block. You know the feeling; when you can’t seem to concentrate, when your mind feels fuggy. Words and thoughts are briefly glimpsed in the mist only to dance out of sight again. The weather probably doesn’t help. Currently it is so grey outside that it feels like winter. If I were to listen to my body though, I would guess that I am just tired. Having to work double-time to cover for a missing co-worker tends to do that. Not only that, but due to looming deadlines, I am also having to work twice as hard. I feel exhausted, and the worst part is that he will be off for at least another two weeks. Right now I’m just trying to power through it, but I’ll run out of energy sooner or later.

I am sure that it is something that is common to all Aspies, but daily life is exhausting. We have to put so much effort into things that others can do with ease. Social situations are the worst. I physically could not take more than one party every six months. I actually try to avoid them as much as possible, but there are some that I have to do. Even having an exchange with salespeople is tiring. Social contact requires a great deal of concentration which I just cannot manage when I am tired. Social skills are the first thing that my brain seems to jettison when it struggles. It is probably because I had to learn them from scratch rather than them being innate that they are sacrificed so readily.

Because I tire so quickly it is important that I am able to relax as well as sleep properly. A drink in the evening after work helps (as with everything, moderation is the key). The sight of a nice chilled pint of Guinness is enough to instantly bring down my blood pressure.

                                  

                                                           A beautiful sight to behold!

I have been told by several medical graduates that a person could live healthily on just Guinness and carrots. Apparently between them they contain all of the vitamins and minerals that you need. I certainly feel healthier when I have a Guinness as opposed to lager, ale or even wine (by the way I don’t work for Guinness, nor am I being paid to say this, just in case you are suspicious). As long as I avoid caffeine after 3:00pm, as well as bright light, then I can usually get to sleep. I often wonder if other Aspies suffer from insomnia like I do. At night, I just can’t shut off my thoughts. I go through any social interactions that I have had, worry about money and ponder the meaning of life. So far I have come up with survival being the meaning of life. You survive, you pass on your genes and that’s pretty much what all life is all about. That right there is the product of endless hours spent tossing and turning whilst trying to finally drift off (I guess I at least got something useful out it!). It is only through a strict observation of routine as well as the science behind sleep that I manage to at all.

It basically comes down to these points: avoid caffeine after 3:00pm, don’t drink too much alcohol (contrary to popular belief it doesn’t help, especially in large quantities), don’t use computers after 8:00pm, don’t exercise after 3:00pm, avoid all light (even charger lights) and try having a hot bath or shower just before bed. Sounds incredibly strict, not to mention anal, but as I said, it is the only way that I can get a good night’s sleep. And now when I am absolutely shattered from work, it is vitally important to my mental health, not to mention my blogging abilities!

Of Mice and Men

If you have been following this blog, then you might be aware that I have not posted much in the last week. Well, a series of unfortunate events at one of my jobs has meant that I am doing more time for them. This is a shame because I had just started my traditional outdoorsy summer job which I make time to do every year. In fact it’s more like therapy than a job. Research has suggested that working outdoors and with the earth is beneficial for your mental health, and getting paid for it is beneficial to your wallet. Don’t tell my boss, but I would actually do it for free if I had to. It’s sod’s law that my other job is indoors, and now that I am doing extra days there, the weather is finally nice. So I’m feeling pretty stressed at the moment as my plans (at least as far as work is concerned) are kind of falling apart.

IT should only be for a week and a half, but I have a nasty feeling that it could be extended. At the end of last week, one of my co-workers lost a couple of fingers. I was there when it happened. Let me tell you now, half a lifetime of playing violent games and watching violent films doesn’t necessarily prepare you for violence in real life. I actually remained calmer than I would have thought, and helped to dress the wound as well as we could with blood spurting everywhere. Luckily I’m not sick at the sight of blood or I could have been cleaning up blood and vomit. I felt a little shocked, though I managed to busy myself with work for the rest of the day. Night however was a different thing. When I finally closed my eyes, all I could see was several bloody stumps. Not what I would call conducive to a good night’s sleep.

All in all it means that we are further behind work than we should be, so I might get asked to do extra time, which I’m dreading. I’m torn between loyalty to the firm and the need to do my other job (which makes me happy). One week’s disruption to my routine is bad enough, but more? What is keeping me going is the knowledge that at the moment it is just a week left. Well that and a terrific Cognitive Behavioural Technique (CBT) called mindfulness. Essentially you have to focus on what you are doing and feeling right now (really similar to meditation in Zen Buddhism) and forget the past and future; concentrate on the moment. It helps a lot in any stressful situations. Hopefully though, I should be back to normal next week. Hopefully.

Stress, anxiety and the swear

A while back I wrote a piece on my favourite methods for dealing with anxiety and I ended it by stating that I would post any other ones that came to mind. After stubbing my toe yesterday and issuing a string of highly articulate and inventive profanities that would have made a sailor blush, it finally dawned upon me that I actually felt much better for doing so. It also got me thinking about the times when I have been highly stressed or anxious and whether or not swearing (in private I might add), helped me to deal with the situation. I can remember repeating a certain word (that rhymes with bit) whilst hurtling down a black run on a pair of skis, certain that at any moment something would give and I would soon resemble a giant rolling ball of snow. I didn’t in the end, but my chant, rather perversely, gave me a sense of control and focus. I have lost count of the times when that particular chant has helped me through a difficult situation.

On a psychological level, swearing gives us a sense of control when we have none. When everything else is going down the pan, we can still decide what comes out of our mouth. It almost seems to provide a release for the pent up pain and suffering. Saying socially unacceptable words expresses anguish far more eloquently than any poet ever could. In making it known, the pain somehow lessens. I would never suggest screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs whilst in the middle of a crowded mall. That would most likely end up with you being unceremoniously stuffed into the back of a police car whilst a group of elderly ladies give a series of disapproving looks. If you internalise the dialogue, then you can avoid this particular outcome. Shouting offensive language in your head can work wonders in times of great stress. Points are scored for ingenuity as it will help to take your mind of the cause of your problems. Have fun with it.

Dealing with the anxiety of being an Aspie.

One of the major drawbacks of living with Aspergers syndrome is having to deal with the near constant anxiety. If you’ve ever suffered a panic attack then you will have some understanding of what it’s like. The butterflies that you get in your stomach before speaking in public or doing a job interview are almost constant. Social situations can bring about what can only be described as the worst panic attack that a normal individual will ever has, plus some more. There are times when I have seriously fantasised about having my adrenal gland removed (impossible I know, but we all dream).  A major part of my therapy and counselling revolves around trying to manage this constant state of anxiety.  The better part of a decade and a half of such treatments has given me a lot of experience in dealing with my arch nemesis, anxiety. I have also developed my own techniques, which work particularly well for me.

Here are some of the techniques that help to calm me down when things start to get a bit too much:

·         Breathing exercise: take a deep breath in whilst counting to four and then slowly releasing whilst counting to at least ten. This should help to ease the palpitations in your chest. Good for mild anxiety, but not much help in dealing with panic.

·         Go for a walk. Exercise helps reduce stress and can occupy the mind, especially when done on a sunny day in the countryside. This being Britain, sun is something you hear about but don’t often see. Therefore I usually take my mp3 player and listen to some chillout music or metal, depending on how I feel (let me explain; I would rather be angry than anxious or sad, so metal can work a treat). Don’t listen to grunge whilst doing this. Regardless of its artistic merit, it is too depressing to be productive and tends to make you focus on the negatives of your situation. Classical music on the other hand works a treat, just choose something uplifting.

·         Read a book. I personally love reading and this is one of the most effective ways to reduce stress and anxiety, more so than the above two. Just don’t choose something too dark; instead go for something engaging. Essentially you are trying to distract yourself. Once you are appropriately absorbed your heart rate should start to slow and your stomach un-knot, all without you having to put any effort into it.

·         Get crafty. Take up an art or craft. Again this is an effective way to prevent your mind running wild. Do something that interests you and is hard enough that you are challenged, but not so hard that you bash your brains out on a wall.

·         Reduce your alcohol intake. Drinking just masks the problem and can lead to a vicious cycle. Alcohol addiction is a highly unpleasant possibility and can lead to increased anxiety in both the long and short-term. Going teetotal is also not the way forward. Alcohol in moderation can be good for you (red wine etc.) and a glass of wine in the evening can be relaxing. Just don’t think that drinking until you don’t feel anything will cure you. You’d have to be permanently pickled and that will just make things far, far worse.

·         Cut down on the caffeine. Caffeine stimulates the mind, yet it also simulates anxiety. I’m not saying eliminate it completely (although that would be great) just make sure you moderate your intake. I find that good quality green tea helps me feel more alert yet mellow at the same time (loose leaf sencha is my choice) and it has been proven to have many health benefits. Never drink caffeine after 3:00pm as it can affect your sleep.

·         Get a good night’s sleep. There are many great psychology books and websites that are dedicated to the science of sleep which are absolutely worth reading. The effects of sleep deprivation include anxiety and even psychosis (not very nice), so sleeping well is very important to Aspergers sufferers. Essentially you need to develop a good routine before bed, making sure you go to bed at the same time every night (the sleep-wake cycle is a circadian rhythm). Any deviation can break this cycle and lead to insomnia. Make sure you sleep in a pitch black room (any amount of light can prevent the release melatonin, the sleep hormone). Don’t watch TV or play computer games for at least two hours before going to bed; read a book instead.

·         Go herbal. No, I don’t mean marijuana. Like alcohol, weed can just exasperate the problem. In those with a family history of mental illness weed use has been shown to cause psychosis   (if you have Aspergers, then you are even more susceptible). Short term effects include paranoia and anxiety and I think that I can safely say that that would be counterproductive. No, in this instance I mean herbal remedies. You should always seek your doctor’s advice before taking any herbal remedy. Valerian is one herbal remedy that I have found particularly useful as it calms nerves and promotes sleep. Hops is another good one. Camomile is great for relaxing, though not as potent as the previous two. It is almost certainly worth consulting with a herbalist if you think that this is an area worth exploring.

·         Don’t do drugs. Like weed, illegal drugs are illegal for a reason. No, the government doesn’t simply want to spoil everyone’s fun. The negative effects upon the individual and society outweigh any benefits. I know that it’s tempting to make the pain go away even just for half an hour, but trust me, it isn’t. It’s just sweeping the problem under the carpet. The problem is essentially the same as alcohol, only worse. In order to get rid of the anxiety you would have to keep doing them, and then you get hooked. You go there and you’re not coming back.   

This is just a selection of my favourite techniques for reducing stress. There are many more, which I will cover at a later date (cognitive behavioural therapy techniques are pretty good). They are particularly helpful when combined with medication. Try them all and see which works best for you; even if you are not an aspie yourself, after all, everyone gets stressed at some point.