In one of my previous posts, I explained why being able to read other people’s body language is a necessary skill for Aspies to learn. What I didn’t cover is being able to cover your own emotional response to stimuli. It is something that I still struggle to do, at least when I am experiencing highly charged negative emotions, such as extreme disappointment, unhappiness and anxiety. Whenever I suffer from a panic attack, all decorum evaporates and I seem to revert to almost animalistic instincts; namely fight or flight (not literally fight, more stay and deal with the problem). I tend to go with the latter and it certainly shows in both my body language and conduct. It would make things far easier if I could slip away without anyone noticing that I am extremely uncomfortable.
Am I this obvious?
I am usually alright at covering up my emotions; I’d say that I’m a bit below average at it. I can read other people’s emotions, but because it is not innate, I have to put a fair amount of effort into doing so. This means that I also have to put the same amount of effort into identifying how my own body is responding to my emotional state. Thus when my mind is reeling with unpleasant emotions, I simply cannot find the amount of energy required to make sure that my body language and expression are not radiating them. I can still read other people’s reactions though, because I am more practiced at it and I therefore know that they know what I am feeling (if that makes any sense… I need more caffeine!).
An excellent example of this occurred the other day at work. We were approaching a deadline and the boss asked us if we were ok doing some overtime. Without blinking the others said, quite unflustered, that that was fine and so I had to quickly give a similar response. Now I am more than prepared to go the extra mile to get the job done, but that’s not to say that I have to like or enjoy it. My evenings are important to me as they seem to be the time of day when I am at my most calm. Thus, even as I said that it was ‘no problem’, I must have been radiating disappointment as both my boss and co-workers seemed a little unconvinced by my reply and even asked if I was sure. It worries me because it makes me look as if I don’t care about the job and company, which is untrue. It’s not the first time that a similar situation has occurred in my life, but it did get me thinking about it. In fact I have been doing overtime every day of this week and whenever my boss asks me if it’s ok, I try even harder to mask my emotions.
The solution?
It seems that those of us with Aspergers are way more emotionally ‘open’ than NT’s, without even being aware of it; just like not being able to read other people’s body language. The first step towards rectifying this problem is, I guess, learning about body language. The next step would be to learn to identify how your own emotional state it translated into the signals that you give off and then learn to control them. It is a problem that I have only just stared to really pay attention to, so that is probably the only advice I can give, however I will post updates as and when I make progress.
