Hello Again!

Hello again! Back in January I decided to leave this blog for a month or two just to see if it would help my creativity and make posting seem like less of a chore. The best part of a year later and I finally remember that it’s here AND have the time to write a post. I think that a rewind is in order!

This year started of pretty unremarkably with the life being pretty much the same as it was back in the olden days of 2012. I knew that my (lovingly adopted) German sister was getting married this June back in Germany, but didn’t think that I would have to go (even though a large part of me wanted to it was that age old battle between ambition and ability). Finally in February I committed to going, which would mean a couple of months of worrying about it. By April my mother was doing another one of her “you need to socialise more” pushes; and so I did as little as I could get away with (this time I had neither the ability nor inclination to do it. That she can’t accept the fact that I have never and will never like it was slightly disappointing…). A few uncomfortable dinners later and she forgot that she was trying to push me; which made for a very happy me.

Until that is when work started to dry up in a rather alarming fashion. My hours stared to be cut until I was doing only one day a week and even that was voluntary rather than paid. But hey, I had to keep up with my training and reminding the boss-man that I was useful. So I had to take more and more work in my parents’ business. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am that I have something to fall back on when times get tough and I really do appreciate it. For a while it was quite good working again with all of the people that I grew up with and spent all of my holidays working with.

However, since I had last worked there, there had been some huge changes in the atmosphere. There are five or six departments, four of which I have worked in at some point in my life. The one that I disliked working in the most (for now referred to only as BH) had a senior manager who I had been told was A) a complete tit and B) a bully. I had seen some of this when I had worked there and it was a major contributing factor in my decision to leave that department. I thought it was just me that saw this and so never said anything to my parents. That and I hate playing politics as being Autistic I am always at a disadvantage and somewhat inept at it. However this BH manager was causing a lot of problems for not only those staff under him, but also my new department and its manager. Colleagues kept complaining about him to me hoping (erroneously) that I could get him sacked. I told them all that they had to make a formal complaint if they were having that many problems with him. This started a series of complaints, interviews and reviews that led to nothing happening as it turns out BH manager (BHM) had friends high up in the business that either looked the other way or covered for him in a dishonourable fashion. My mother took it seriously, but my father, the incredibly gentle and forgiving man that he is, was sadly reluctant to do anything. The failure for any action to be taken against BHM meant that he was free to intimidate anyone who spoke out against him (including myself) and led to them either being issued warnings or being forced to quit. I almost issued a formal complaint against him for this, but relented thinking that maybe he had learnt a lesson and would change his ways (did he hell!). I regret that decision because since that date four more people have been bullied out of their jobs. I cannot go into that department anymore and feel ostracised from a large part of my parents’ business.

All of this was happening in the run up to me travelling to Germany for my sister’s wedding. Emotional exhaustion did not help my ability to keep my nerves in check and for most of the departure day I had my head over the loo throwing up my breakfast and anything else that I had eaten or drunk until I was simply retching up bile. That was possibly the lowest point that I have been to for a good few years. However, I did manage to pull myself together enough to go. One overnight ferry trip later and I was in Rotterdam with my parents and travelling through the beautiful, yet flat country of the Netherlands. I did quite enjoy driving through there and Northern Germany. The wedding and the three days of partying that it entailed were highly stressful, yet I was glad that I did it and was able to see my older sister getting married. It was quite an experience with all of the fantastic German beer and food, and I have a great soft spot for the German people who are always so friendly and ready to laugh and have fun.

I was however glad to get that event done and dusted and being back at home was fantastic. That was until I had to attend yet another wedding (luckily very local) for one of my distant Australian cousins, sandwiched in between two very large dinner parties. The first wasn’t too bad, but the wedding and the second party were extremely stressful as I spent them being ‘chased’ by two different women. Afterwards we had my cousins daughter and grand-daughter staying with us and I have a great affection for both of them (and indeed my cousin), and I found their company extremely pleasant and not in the least bit stressful.

The annual holiday to Spain was fantastic (better than last year!) and I was able to relax for three weeks and re-charge my ‘batteries’. I really needed it because this summer was possibly the busiest and most stressful summers of my life (though not the worst as the good times out-weighed the bad).

Getting home proved interesting as just when work was picking up (the other work) again, my boss was involved in a horrific car crash and was seriously injured; though he is recovering now and I am back to full-time again. That was a huge shock and meant that I had to go back to working for my parents (for minimum wage the bloody slave drivers!). My youngest brother also left to go and spend part of his gap year in India which made me feel anxious as I was reminded of my aborted attempt to be ‘normal’ and go travelling in my gap year (one of the worst and darkest years of my life). Then came the news that my older brother had proposed to his long term girlfriend, which was fantastic news (except for the thought of having to attend yet another wedding (I hate those damn things!)) as I love them both dearly and my sister-in-law to be is an absolute peach and they are both incredibly understanding of my mental health issues.

Well, that about sums up my year so far. It’s been at times chaos, anxiety and despair and yet at others hope, happiness and contentment. I just hope that the remainder will be a little quieter!

Another Year (2013)

Hello there; Lovely to see you again. I’m truly sorry that I haven’t posted in quite a while. To be honest I haven’t really been in the mood as I’ve been battling a touch of depression. The financial situation that my parents are in has really swept the rug from under my feet, though hopefully that is starting to look up somewhat. Other than that there are no other major causes that I can really identify.

 My anxiety levels have fluctuated a bit, not helped by my mother berating me for not liking or wanting to travel much. Apparently, being happy with where you are is not alright. Both mum and dad are going skiing over Easter and wanted me to come, but to be perfectly honest I can’t really be bothered. My reasoning goes as follows: If I get time off over Easter I want spend it relaxing. Skiing I’d have to get up early to ski all day, getting back in late in the afternoon, having a long (and social) dinner before going to bed late; only to wake up early to go through it all again. That to me is more like work than a holiday. Whilst I do like skiing, I don’t like it THAT much. Plus there is the stress and hassle of the traveling there, which I dislike at the best of times. Quite frankly in this instance it isn’t worth the effort. If it was for something I wanted to do, then it would be. There are some places that I want to see, such as Italy, and I am planning a trip with my dad to go there (to prove that I can).

My dad isn’t fussed by all of this. He seems to accept that this is who I am and supports me in what makes me happy. In fact the same can be said of his attitude towards my Autism. My mother on the other hand seems to go through stages of acceptance and denial. The latter is probably the largest source of anxiety in my life. If my own mother cannot accept me for who I am then who else in the world would? I get the feeling that she believes that it is a curable condition, that by practicing my shortcomings I can overcome them. As I have said before, practicing does not make something any easier if it is as biologically engrained as the need to breath.  Where those with autism can develop coping skills, it should be with support and not through negative reinforcement. If you are the parent of an autistic child please bear this in mind.

In other news there have been reports to suggest that some individuals on the autism spectrum can grow out of it:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-21029593

I am not so sure. I believe that we merely get better at hiding our troubles. It also depends upon the severity of the condition. I would be interested to see the details of this study, especially their sample group and methodology. I certainly do not think that I am growing out of my condition, merely growing into it. When you are a child you may not have the skills to cope with issues, but you are sheltered from the harshness of the world and the social imperatives that accompany adulthood. For me, it has certainly gotten harder; and I have good support available in the form of my parents. What terrifies me most is dealing with the opposite sex. I have never been good at these relationships and the severity of the changes that they entail has always led me to sabotage those that have developed. For now I am happy being single and living with my parents; but part of me does eventually want a family of my own. This however is a problem for the future. Right now I just want to enjoy the moment.

Blue Monday

October was a fairly dark month for me. Not as dark as those before my first year at university; but still pretty grey. November too has felt the same so far. I know what depression feels like and I can safely say that I have been depressed at times during the last few months. Even at the best of times there is the feeling of a loss of control of the events that surround me. It’s hard to be optimistic in the current climate. The economy is still struggling but now it is really starting to hurt both my work and my parents. My one major insecurity in life is that I am totally reliant on my parents. I need them. They provide support to me, support that is vital to my mental health and stability. I can go from ‘happy as Larry’ to suicidal in a matter of hours. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I need support. In these situations I won’t go so far as to actually kill myself, but I think about it and that in itself is distressing.

For a few months my parents have been fighting the bank, who are extorting vast sums of money from their business every month. Assets have been and continue to be sold in an effort to keep afloat. Legal action is being prepared against the bank, but legal help costs more money. It is a case that according to legal precedent they should win. The question is whether it will be too late. The whole thing casts a massive shadow of uncertainty over both their and my future.

Ordinarily I would throw myself into my work, but that business is struggling too. My hours have been drastically cut and I have agreed to take a massive pay cut in order to keep the firm above the red, as well as to safeguard my job.

I know how to deal with depression; I’ve been dealing with it since I was thirteen. I can cope with it. I’m not suicidal, so please do not worry about me. I just feel a lot of anxiety at the moment. I don’t like change and the potentially catastrophic changes that could occur are simply too much to think about. At times like this I fall back into the moment I’m in. I try to enjoy the little things in life, be it games, books and music. I’m also going to have to cut back on my twitter experiment. The anxiety that it sometimes causes is unhelpful when I am feeling vulnerable.

All in all not a very optimistic post, but an important one. Many aspies face a lifelong battle with depression. It is key that we learn to identify it, counter it and not let it ruin our lives.

Mr McKinnon.

It was really good news to hear that Gary McKinnon's extradition was blocked. I don't believe that the extradition treaty between Britain and the USA is one-sided. Nor do I believe that he didn't do anything wrong just because he is a fellow Brit or Aspie. What I do believe however, is that he would have killed himself had he been extradited. How do I know that? Because faced with potentially 60 years in prison in another country and culture I can say with absolute certainty that I would take my own life. The change would be cataclysmic and the huge emotional impact would be more than I could bear. ASD doesn't mean that you cannot feel emotion; quite the opposite in fact. I feel far too much. Our brains are wired up in a way that means that we are far more sensitive to emotional stimulus than NT individuals. If you've ever felt overwhelmed by events then you will have some idea of what we quite often face when dealing with change; and believe me when I say that almost every day involves change. And when a change is this huge, that everything you know and love in your world is taken away from you, then life becomes unbearable. The only way out that the obsessive and intensely focused mind of the Aspie would see would be death. Anything to escape from the overwhelming emotion.

I can understand why Gary McKinnon did what he did. I know, and he would have known that it was wrong; but he would have been compelled by his obsessive curiosity to seek out answers to his question. Our SI's completely narrow our focus to such a degree that everything else around us becomes irrelevant and invisible. We cannot help it in the same way that we need to eat and drink. If I think of a question then I am compelled to find an answer, no matter what time at night it is or whatever the possible consequences might be (though the threat of prison in another country has thankfully never been a possibility for me thank God!).

This is not an excuse for what Gary did. I still believe that he should be punished for infringing the rules. After all, we Aspies are known for our love of rules and regulations. I am simply glad that he wasn't extradited to certain suicide. In the end, maybe his skills as a hacker should be employed by either the UK or USA governments. They are certainly a great example of the way that Aspies are quite often the leaders in their fields. The extra publicity for Aspergers Syndrome should also help to improve public perception and understanding for what is at times a horrific burden for any human being to carry. Hopefully Gary can now continue living his life whilst enjoying some of the benefits of it.

An Earth-Shattering Announcement!

From the beginning of next year Aspergers will no longer exist, at least in the USA. No, it has not been 'cured'. It will simply be merged into a broader 'Autistic Spectrum Disorder'. Whether this will apply to the UK, Europe or the rest of the world remains to be seen. This is not as big a deal as it would first seem (or my title would imply; sorry about that, it seems that I'm picking up some journalistic habits). Psychologists have for years debated just how different Aspergers as a diagnosis is from Autism in general. The defining line has always been a fairly blurry one and now it will disappear altogether. Which will mean that I will have to probably change the name of this blog and refer to myself as being and ASD. Change, don't you just hate it?

More info on the upcoming change can be found here: http://www.thespec.com/living/healthfitness/article/811063--autism-redefined-as-asperger-s-diagnosis-disappears

A Social Experiment (sort of...)

A couple of months ago I did the previously unthinkable (for me) and finally joined twitter. My initial reasoning was to gain access to another service that required a twitter account. I planned to barely use it. However, as the weeks have gone on I have found myself using it more and more to follow interesting people and organisations. I had no idea that one of my personal heroes, Richard Wiseman would be on there (@RichardWiseman) and naturally he got a follow; as did Bear Grylls (@BearGrylls)

Straight after signing up I was terrified that I would be dragged into new social situations and whilst I still have no doubt that that would be possible, I have kept a fairly low profile. I didn’t tweet for the first few weeks, and then slowly tweeted a bit more as time went on. My profile, initially non-descript has been updated slowly and cautiously, though I will never give my full name.

 I will never be a fully-fledged tweeter, but it has been and continues to be an important social experiment for me. I am in control of how much I metaphorically dip my toe into the pool. When I feel threatened by sudden social advances I can withdraw. I am learning some useful lessons. I have followers and follow people who I correspond with fairly regularly. It gives me the chance to learn about other cultures without the need for anxiety inducing travel or awkward face to face conversations. I use my phone for something other than emergency calls or browsing the web.

Most people wouldn’t see this as a huge change, but for me it has been fairly significant. If it had occurred in 24 hours, it would have caused me a nervous breakdown. But as it has been a slow and steady change over months, it has been manageable. This all confirms my theory that changes in my life are best made slowly and carefully. Oh and I am still never, ever joining Facebook. That is a promise. 

Damn you sickness!

Sorry that I haven't posted for a while (I really should learn to!). I've been busy feeling sorry for myself whilst suffering acute sinusitis. As if that wasn't bad enough I the antibiotics that the quack (doctor) gave me first time around didn't do much except make me feel sick and lose what little appetite I have. Three weeks and a couple of pounds of weight loss later and nothing has changed. So, mentally preparing myself for round two of almost constant nausea, I went in to see them again.
The result? a stronger dose of antibiotics and Sudafed. As if feeling nauseous wasn't bad enough on its own, the Sudafed apparently has Insomnia and anxiety as two common side effects; three side effects in total that are guaranteed to make the next 2 to 3 weeks a misery... Bugger...