Keeping Calm

I must confess that for the last week I have been quietly fighting a sense of panic that threatens to turn into a full blown panic attack. What is causing this? Sadly I have no idea. I have been doing a lot of internalisation, trying to figure out the root of it, but without luck. It seems like the smallest incidences set off these feelings of anxiety, the likes of which I usually only experience before an important social event. Writing down my musing on the subject should help me to externalise possible causes and therefore examine them in more detail.
The most likely source of anxiety that I can think of is that in about a weeks time I will be going on holiday with my parents and youngest brother. I usually feel a little anxious before the annual holiday (or indeed travel of any kind) but never normally this bad or for this long. It probably doesn't help that my other younger brother (K) isn't coming for the first (and most important due to social duties) week. Whilst I love all of my brothers, K is probably the one that I am closest to. He knows me better than anyone else in the family and I share more of my problems with him than I do my parents. He also keeps me calm for reasons that I do not fully understand though I suspect that it is due to a shared humour, his knowledge about me, and the fact that he is a extrovert and so helps me through social situations. He won't be there for only one week, so that shouldn't be the source of all off this nervous energy.
The first time I noticed that I was more tightly strung than usual was when somebody who I don't know well enough asked me for some contact details. That always causes me to have a mini panic attack, but that was about a week ago and it shouldn't last this long. Besides, in this particular incidence I wasn't too bothered about possibly giving them due to their limited nature (they don't breach too many 'compartments' in my compartmentalised world).
It could be the lack of sunlight and the generally gloomy weather that we have been having in the UK that is negatively affecting my mood and hormone production. Sunlight has been proven to have a large impact on human health and during the winter months people can suffer from the ironically named SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder. It could be that, but I have been using a SAD light on the grimmest days.
Another possibility is diet, but I have been eating very healthily with most food groups covered in my diet and  missing no major vitamins or minerals. I have also started taking vitamin B complex in an effort to boost my energy levels and mood; though the science is sketchy at best about the extent to which this can help.
The future seems no more terrifying than it usually is. I am fairly secure in my job as work seems to be picking up again after a long quiet spell. I am being given an increasing amount of responsibility, but that causes a good kind of stress at being challenged. There has been no change in my (lack of) any kind of marital/relationship status, which would be the stress equivalent of a supernova, so everything is peaceful on that front.  
I have been sleeping better than usual for this time of year due to the cooler temperatures at night and the fact that I bought a fan to keep me cool, so it cannot be due to a lack of sleep. It could be partly due to me being a little exhausted by work, which is why I am kind of looking forward to the holiday.
It could quite easily be a combination of all of these factors that is making me so highly strung. I haven't really had time to metaphorically 'sit down and take stock'. I guess that I should try to get back to the basics of my life and focus on the things that bring me an almost primeval sense of comfort, for example bushcraft or one of my SI's. Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things.

Back again and baffled?

Well, I’m back from three weeks (very lucky me) in the Med. Three weeks of nothing resembling work, no early mornings, no commute. Three weeks to read and think. I remembered how much I hate airports. Maybe it’s my OCD peeking through, but they are always so grotty; even the planes. There is a coating of stickiness on everything. I had a shower before I left and I felt compelled to have another when I got home. That combined with being in a room/plane so crammed with people that you can actually smell them, makes traveling pretty stressful. I tried the lager/cinnamon/ginger remedy, and if you aren’t sick when drinking it, it works quite well. A valerian capsule before leaving helped with the anxiety.

Once there however, I started to relax. I didn’t take my mobile (I hate mobiles as I’m sure I’ve already said), so I was effectively cut off from the world. It was terrific. It always seems like my world shrinks on holiday and with it my worries. That’s not to say that I was completely relaxed all of the time I was out there; there were some social obligations as family friends were also out there, but I did manage to reduce my blood pressure enough so that there wasn’t a risk of my head exploding. I guess the sun helped lift my spirits as well. I’m not a sun worshiper; far from it (I’m more of a colder climbs man myself), but it does help the body to release mood lifting hormones. Let’s face it, it seems that you have to go abroad to find sunshine if you’re British.

All in all I think that this summer’s holiday was a success. Managing to relax for even five minutes is pretty rare for me! I enjoyed being in and around other cultures, and I even got to do a bit of history whilst out there. It’s really weird being back though. That kind of confusion you feel when you were in another country in the morning and then get into your own bed is most disconcerting. Waking up a home is also weird for the first few days. I thought that I would be glad to be going back to work and back into my old routine; but part of me wishes that I was back out there. I know that that is normal for NT’s, but for me it is quite disturbing. I love my home and my home county and I’ve never really wanted to be anywhere else, but now I am longing to be somewhere else. I’m bamboozled, perplexed, mystified and even baffled.

An Aspie Abroad

It has been bad enough not being able to post due to a lack of time, but for the next three weeks I will not be able to post at all. I am finally going on holiday, having got extra time off due to my extra hard work over the last two months. But wait I hear you say, haven’t I continually stated my dislike/phobia of travel? Well, yes, that is true. However, the place that I am going to in the Mediterranean has a very special place in my heart, and I also have a soft spot for the Mediterranean as a whole. Plus, my entire family are taking time off from work/university to go, so I will have lots of moral support. The flights still scare me though. I wouldn’t say that I have a fear of flying; I just experience a lot of unease when taking off and landing. Which seems perfectly natural, to be honest. I don’t completely understand the physics of flight and that moment when the pilot puts it into full throttle just before take-off just feels wrong. Despite it usually being an early morning flight, my brother and I usually have a breakfast Guinness before the flight (it’s medicinal! On a side note Guinness seems to taste really good early in the morning, I think it’s something to do with your taste buds and them not really being fully awake. I am not an alcoholic, honest, it’s an annual tradition). I also take a valerian capsule before I leave home which seems to suppress the nervous system and take the edge off of my anxieties.

Packing always seems to make me feel more anxious. I guess that that is because it makes it real instead of an idea. When the car pulls away from home I always get the feeling that I’ll never see home again. That for me is the worst part. If I am going to have a panic attack, it is usually then that it happens. Thankfully though, if I am going somewhere that I actually like, then it’s not so bad. Once I am at the airport a sort of acceptance of the inevitable sinks in. My siblings usually provide a good distraction as they know how I feel about the whole thing. When I am there my world shrinks to my immediate surroundings, which is great. I am actually looking forward to having time to read and sleep! Before all of this can take place I have to go to my cousin’s wedding and the party, which is not what I’d call my idea of fun. The actual ceremony will be fine; I just hate fancy dinners. Being an Aspie I find dinner conversation really difficult, not to mention tiring. I think that I will try a new technique to combat the possibility of a panic attack and the resulting nausea: a concoction of cinnamon, ginger and beer. All three are known for their anti-nausea properties, so trying them all at once should be very effective (that is if the concoction doesn’t actually make me sick). I’ll report how it turns out when I get back.