Blue Monday

October was a fairly dark month for me. Not as dark as those before my first year at university; but still pretty grey. November too has felt the same so far. I know what depression feels like and I can safely say that I have been depressed at times during the last few months. Even at the best of times there is the feeling of a loss of control of the events that surround me. It’s hard to be optimistic in the current climate. The economy is still struggling but now it is really starting to hurt both my work and my parents. My one major insecurity in life is that I am totally reliant on my parents. I need them. They provide support to me, support that is vital to my mental health and stability. I can go from ‘happy as Larry’ to suicidal in a matter of hours. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I need support. In these situations I won’t go so far as to actually kill myself, but I think about it and that in itself is distressing.

For a few months my parents have been fighting the bank, who are extorting vast sums of money from their business every month. Assets have been and continue to be sold in an effort to keep afloat. Legal action is being prepared against the bank, but legal help costs more money. It is a case that according to legal precedent they should win. The question is whether it will be too late. The whole thing casts a massive shadow of uncertainty over both their and my future.

Ordinarily I would throw myself into my work, but that business is struggling too. My hours have been drastically cut and I have agreed to take a massive pay cut in order to keep the firm above the red, as well as to safeguard my job.

I know how to deal with depression; I’ve been dealing with it since I was thirteen. I can cope with it. I’m not suicidal, so please do not worry about me. I just feel a lot of anxiety at the moment. I don’t like change and the potentially catastrophic changes that could occur are simply too much to think about. At times like this I fall back into the moment I’m in. I try to enjoy the little things in life, be it games, books and music. I’m also going to have to cut back on my twitter experiment. The anxiety that it sometimes causes is unhelpful when I am feeling vulnerable.

All in all not a very optimistic post, but an important one. Many aspies face a lifelong battle with depression. It is key that we learn to identify it, counter it and not let it ruin our lives.

I think that I may be a little depressed at the moment. Everything is various shades of grey and I can't enjoy things that I used to like being outside. Oh, wait, it's not just me? Everyone in Britain has the same symptoms as me? For the last month? Maybe it's not depression, maybe it's the terrible weather! (I blame the Met Office for issuing drought warnings across the country back in March!)

I usually like rain or I am at least curiously apathetic towards it. If I'm away in a Mediterranean country for too long I even start to miss it! But over four weeks of constant gloom and downpours is enough to drive anyone a little stir-fry crazy. A bit of sun would be nice; just enough for my body to be able to synthesise a little vitamin D. It does however make that hot mug of tea whilst sheltering indoors that bit more enjoyable. In all seriousness though, it is actually more than a little depressing. However, every cloud has a silver lining (please forgive the terrible pun, I am after all a little depressed!).

 Contrary to popular belief it isn't always raining in Britain; in fact this time last year we were basking in a miniature heat-wave. One stereotype that is true though, is that we do talk about the weather an awful lot. For an aspie who is socially challenged this is a Godsend. Two people who have absolutely bugger all in common can make small talk for at least as long as social mores dictate. The weather is something we all have in common and it changes often enough here to make it vaguely interesting. Hailing in May? Just something to use when you are next stuck chatting to someone that you don't really know. Thank God for British peculiarities!

Work and my Aspie mind

It’s my first day back at work after my hol's, and my drops three bombshells on me. I say bombshells, but at the time they felt more like nuclear warheads. First, I have to continue doing overtime until around September because the colleague who lost some of his fingers isn’t back yet. Which is fair enough, he can’t help that; but it still came as something of a nasty surprise. I was after all told and expecting that I would be able to split my time again. It just seems like the date of my release from non-normality keeps getting pushed further and further back. I keep thinking “when will this end”? The second warhead was that we are doing an exhibition, which means that I am going to be under a lot of pressure from deadlines on top of doing extra time. The third and possibly the most serious was that we would be getting a ‘new guy’. To me that completely changes the entire nature of the workplace. Worse, he lives along my commute and can’t drive, so I was asked if I can give him a lift every day. Of course I didn’t really have a choice. My commute used to be time with just my thoughts, and now it is going to be small talk, at least at first. Being stuck in a car for an hour a day with a relative stranger is not my idea of fun.

Only time will tell if it turns out as badly as every bone in my body says it will. He seems alright, but I am worried that he won’t understand that I don’t ‘hang-out’ after work and am not interested in meeting his mates; even if he thinks that I will like them. I’ve been in that situation too many times before to be pleased. I think that I will disclose my ‘disorder’ at the first opportunity and hope that he understands that I am something of a loner. Besides, the average age of my friends is about in the late forties and he is a lot younger than that. I am more than happy to work with him, just don’t expect me to socialise after hours. 

                                            An accurate representation of how I feel right now!

Right now I’m just trying to enjoy the little things in order to cope with these changes. An early night with a good book, watching some good documentaries, a little consumer therapy (for gadgets, music etc. not clothes or shoes); these are ways to take my mind off of my problems and the depression that I can feel lurking in the shadows.