Blue Monday

October was a fairly dark month for me. Not as dark as those before my first year at university; but still pretty grey. November too has felt the same so far. I know what depression feels like and I can safely say that I have been depressed at times during the last few months. Even at the best of times there is the feeling of a loss of control of the events that surround me. It’s hard to be optimistic in the current climate. The economy is still struggling but now it is really starting to hurt both my work and my parents. My one major insecurity in life is that I am totally reliant on my parents. I need them. They provide support to me, support that is vital to my mental health and stability. I can go from ‘happy as Larry’ to suicidal in a matter of hours. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I need support. In these situations I won’t go so far as to actually kill myself, but I think about it and that in itself is distressing.

For a few months my parents have been fighting the bank, who are extorting vast sums of money from their business every month. Assets have been and continue to be sold in an effort to keep afloat. Legal action is being prepared against the bank, but legal help costs more money. It is a case that according to legal precedent they should win. The question is whether it will be too late. The whole thing casts a massive shadow of uncertainty over both their and my future.

Ordinarily I would throw myself into my work, but that business is struggling too. My hours have been drastically cut and I have agreed to take a massive pay cut in order to keep the firm above the red, as well as to safeguard my job.

I know how to deal with depression; I’ve been dealing with it since I was thirteen. I can cope with it. I’m not suicidal, so please do not worry about me. I just feel a lot of anxiety at the moment. I don’t like change and the potentially catastrophic changes that could occur are simply too much to think about. At times like this I fall back into the moment I’m in. I try to enjoy the little things in life, be it games, books and music. I’m also going to have to cut back on my twitter experiment. The anxiety that it sometimes causes is unhelpful when I am feeling vulnerable.

All in all not a very optimistic post, but an important one. Many aspies face a lifelong battle with depression. It is key that we learn to identify it, counter it and not let it ruin our lives.

Keeping Calm

I must confess that for the last week I have been quietly fighting a sense of panic that threatens to turn into a full blown panic attack. What is causing this? Sadly I have no idea. I have been doing a lot of internalisation, trying to figure out the root of it, but without luck. It seems like the smallest incidences set off these feelings of anxiety, the likes of which I usually only experience before an important social event. Writing down my musing on the subject should help me to externalise possible causes and therefore examine them in more detail.
The most likely source of anxiety that I can think of is that in about a weeks time I will be going on holiday with my parents and youngest brother. I usually feel a little anxious before the annual holiday (or indeed travel of any kind) but never normally this bad or for this long. It probably doesn't help that my other younger brother (K) isn't coming for the first (and most important due to social duties) week. Whilst I love all of my brothers, K is probably the one that I am closest to. He knows me better than anyone else in the family and I share more of my problems with him than I do my parents. He also keeps me calm for reasons that I do not fully understand though I suspect that it is due to a shared humour, his knowledge about me, and the fact that he is a extrovert and so helps me through social situations. He won't be there for only one week, so that shouldn't be the source of all off this nervous energy.
The first time I noticed that I was more tightly strung than usual was when somebody who I don't know well enough asked me for some contact details. That always causes me to have a mini panic attack, but that was about a week ago and it shouldn't last this long. Besides, in this particular incidence I wasn't too bothered about possibly giving them due to their limited nature (they don't breach too many 'compartments' in my compartmentalised world).
It could be the lack of sunlight and the generally gloomy weather that we have been having in the UK that is negatively affecting my mood and hormone production. Sunlight has been proven to have a large impact on human health and during the winter months people can suffer from the ironically named SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder. It could be that, but I have been using a SAD light on the grimmest days.
Another possibility is diet, but I have been eating very healthily with most food groups covered in my diet and  missing no major vitamins or minerals. I have also started taking vitamin B complex in an effort to boost my energy levels and mood; though the science is sketchy at best about the extent to which this can help.
The future seems no more terrifying than it usually is. I am fairly secure in my job as work seems to be picking up again after a long quiet spell. I am being given an increasing amount of responsibility, but that causes a good kind of stress at being challenged. There has been no change in my (lack of) any kind of marital/relationship status, which would be the stress equivalent of a supernova, so everything is peaceful on that front.  
I have been sleeping better than usual for this time of year due to the cooler temperatures at night and the fact that I bought a fan to keep me cool, so it cannot be due to a lack of sleep. It could be partly due to me being a little exhausted by work, which is why I am kind of looking forward to the holiday.
It could quite easily be a combination of all of these factors that is making me so highly strung. I haven't really had time to metaphorically 'sit down and take stock'. I guess that I should try to get back to the basics of my life and focus on the things that bring me an almost primeval sense of comfort, for example bushcraft or one of my SI's. Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things.

Emotional Control

In one of my previous posts, I explained why being able to read other people’s body language is a necessary skill for Aspies to learn. What I didn’t cover is being able to cover your own emotional response to stimuli. It is something that I still struggle to do, at least when I am experiencing highly charged negative emotions, such as extreme disappointment, unhappiness and anxiety. Whenever I suffer from a panic attack, all decorum evaporates and I seem to revert to almost animalistic instincts; namely fight or flight (not literally fight, more stay and deal with the problem). I tend to go with the latter and it certainly shows in both my body language and conduct. It would make things far easier if I could slip away without anyone noticing that I am extremely uncomfortable.

Am I this obvious?

I am usually alright at covering up my emotions; I’d say that I’m a bit below average at it. I can read other people’s emotions, but because it is not innate, I have to put a fair amount of effort into doing so. This means that I also have to put the same amount of effort into identifying how my own body is responding to my emotional state. Thus when my mind is reeling with unpleasant emotions, I simply cannot find the amount of energy required to make sure that my body language and expression are not radiating them. I can still read other people’s reactions though, because I am more practiced at it and I therefore know that they know what I am feeling (if that makes any sense… I need more caffeine!). 

An excellent example of this occurred the other day at work. We were approaching a deadline and the boss asked us if we were ok doing some overtime. Without blinking the others said, quite unflustered, that that was fine and so I had to quickly give a similar response. Now I am more than prepared to go the extra mile to get the job done, but that’s not to say that I have to like or enjoy it. My evenings are important to me as they seem to be the time of day when I am at my most calm. Thus, even as I said that it was ‘no problem’, I must have been radiating disappointment as both my boss and co-workers seemed a little unconvinced by my reply and even asked if I was sure. It worries me because it makes me look as if I don’t care about the job and company, which is untrue. It’s not the first time that a similar situation has occurred in my life, but it did get me thinking about it. In fact I have been doing overtime every day of this week and whenever my boss asks me if it’s ok, I try even harder to mask my emotions.       

                                                                      The solution?

It seems that those of us with Aspergers are way more emotionally ‘open’ than NT’s, without even being aware of it; just like not being able to read other people’s body language. The first step towards rectifying this problem is, I guess, learning about body language. The next step would be to learn to identify how your own emotional state it translated into the signals that you give off and then learn to control them. It is a problem that I have only just stared to really pay attention to, so that is probably the only advice I can give, however I will post updates as and when I make progress. 

An Aspie Abroad

It has been bad enough not being able to post due to a lack of time, but for the next three weeks I will not be able to post at all. I am finally going on holiday, having got extra time off due to my extra hard work over the last two months. But wait I hear you say, haven’t I continually stated my dislike/phobia of travel? Well, yes, that is true. However, the place that I am going to in the Mediterranean has a very special place in my heart, and I also have a soft spot for the Mediterranean as a whole. Plus, my entire family are taking time off from work/university to go, so I will have lots of moral support. The flights still scare me though. I wouldn’t say that I have a fear of flying; I just experience a lot of unease when taking off and landing. Which seems perfectly natural, to be honest. I don’t completely understand the physics of flight and that moment when the pilot puts it into full throttle just before take-off just feels wrong. Despite it usually being an early morning flight, my brother and I usually have a breakfast Guinness before the flight (it’s medicinal! On a side note Guinness seems to taste really good early in the morning, I think it’s something to do with your taste buds and them not really being fully awake. I am not an alcoholic, honest, it’s an annual tradition). I also take a valerian capsule before I leave home which seems to suppress the nervous system and take the edge off of my anxieties.

Packing always seems to make me feel more anxious. I guess that that is because it makes it real instead of an idea. When the car pulls away from home I always get the feeling that I’ll never see home again. That for me is the worst part. If I am going to have a panic attack, it is usually then that it happens. Thankfully though, if I am going somewhere that I actually like, then it’s not so bad. Once I am at the airport a sort of acceptance of the inevitable sinks in. My siblings usually provide a good distraction as they know how I feel about the whole thing. When I am there my world shrinks to my immediate surroundings, which is great. I am actually looking forward to having time to read and sleep! Before all of this can take place I have to go to my cousin’s wedding and the party, which is not what I’d call my idea of fun. The actual ceremony will be fine; I just hate fancy dinners. Being an Aspie I find dinner conversation really difficult, not to mention tiring. I think that I will try a new technique to combat the possibility of a panic attack and the resulting nausea: a concoction of cinnamon, ginger and beer. All three are known for their anti-nausea properties, so trying them all at once should be very effective (that is if the concoction doesn’t actually make me sick). I’ll report how it turns out when I get back.

A moment's peace

Anxiety is probably one of the most unpleasant of human emotions. Like a marauding army it lays waste to your mind and body, almost unstoppable in its advance and absolutely merciless. From the moment it takes root, it grows and grows and just like a virus it is contagious. I consider it my greatest and oldest enemy and I loathe it accordingly. I would honestly rather be depressed than anxious, though the two are never far apart. Most people only have to deal with it periodically, such as when facing deadlines at work, or going on stage. For an Aspie, Anxiety seems to be constant. It circles them like a vulture, watching and waiting for a moment of weakness. The slightest doubt or loss of concentration and it pounces. Beating it back at this stage requires a great deal of effort and even when bested, it simply lurks in the shadows, biding its time.

                Moments of calm are as rare to me as they are prized. Imagine being in a large room filled with people talking loudly; the sound builds and builds until you fear that your eardrums will blow. Then, suddenly, there is silence. The sense of exhausted relief that you feel is what I experience when I feel calm. Often it is entirely unexpected, sometimes it is the result of intense effort. I know that the anxiety will be back, but I am determined to enjoy it regardless. The feeling frequently brings back memories of better times, though one in particular stands out.

                All I can hear are my own footsteps reverberating up through my body and emerging inside my ear as gentle thuds. There are other sounds, but in this moment in time I am only aware of my footsteps. I can feel the ground below my feet; feel the coolness of the compressed limestone. The contrast of the mild yet nurturing heat of the spring sun upon the nape of my neck is profound. The fresh green leaves fluttering gently in the slight breeze blur into the background as I walk on. Finally I come to the place that I have been seeking, my spot. The comfort that it brings envelops me like a warm duvet in winter time. Cold hard path becomes soft springy moss. I gently ease my head down onto this natural carpet and close my eyes for a second. Finally I am aware of the sounds of the woodland. Birds tweet, lambs call and the stream gurgles lazily. A short distance away a woodpecker starts to hammer, the sound echoing around the trees so that is softer and more soothing. The sun too seems softer. I open my eyes and gaze up into the ceiling provided by the ancient beech tree. Sunlight flickers through the canopy, making the green foliage sparkle with golden fire. I breathe deeply, savouring the earthy smell of the moss. I no longer feel any pain or anxiety. The weight of the world dissipates with each breath. For that moment, I just am.

                When I meditate, I often try revisiting this particular moment in my mind. Moments of calm such as these help me to cope with the present; they provide not only peace, but also hope. Things can get better, I can feel like that again if I just endure.

Dealing with the anxiety of being an Aspie.

One of the major drawbacks of living with Aspergers syndrome is having to deal with the near constant anxiety. If you’ve ever suffered a panic attack then you will have some understanding of what it’s like. The butterflies that you get in your stomach before speaking in public or doing a job interview are almost constant. Social situations can bring about what can only be described as the worst panic attack that a normal individual will ever has, plus some more. There are times when I have seriously fantasised about having my adrenal gland removed (impossible I know, but we all dream).  A major part of my therapy and counselling revolves around trying to manage this constant state of anxiety.  The better part of a decade and a half of such treatments has given me a lot of experience in dealing with my arch nemesis, anxiety. I have also developed my own techniques, which work particularly well for me.

Here are some of the techniques that help to calm me down when things start to get a bit too much:

·         Breathing exercise: take a deep breath in whilst counting to four and then slowly releasing whilst counting to at least ten. This should help to ease the palpitations in your chest. Good for mild anxiety, but not much help in dealing with panic.

·         Go for a walk. Exercise helps reduce stress and can occupy the mind, especially when done on a sunny day in the countryside. This being Britain, sun is something you hear about but don’t often see. Therefore I usually take my mp3 player and listen to some chillout music or metal, depending on how I feel (let me explain; I would rather be angry than anxious or sad, so metal can work a treat). Don’t listen to grunge whilst doing this. Regardless of its artistic merit, it is too depressing to be productive and tends to make you focus on the negatives of your situation. Classical music on the other hand works a treat, just choose something uplifting.

·         Read a book. I personally love reading and this is one of the most effective ways to reduce stress and anxiety, more so than the above two. Just don’t choose something too dark; instead go for something engaging. Essentially you are trying to distract yourself. Once you are appropriately absorbed your heart rate should start to slow and your stomach un-knot, all without you having to put any effort into it.

·         Get crafty. Take up an art or craft. Again this is an effective way to prevent your mind running wild. Do something that interests you and is hard enough that you are challenged, but not so hard that you bash your brains out on a wall.

·         Reduce your alcohol intake. Drinking just masks the problem and can lead to a vicious cycle. Alcohol addiction is a highly unpleasant possibility and can lead to increased anxiety in both the long and short-term. Going teetotal is also not the way forward. Alcohol in moderation can be good for you (red wine etc.) and a glass of wine in the evening can be relaxing. Just don’t think that drinking until you don’t feel anything will cure you. You’d have to be permanently pickled and that will just make things far, far worse.

·         Cut down on the caffeine. Caffeine stimulates the mind, yet it also simulates anxiety. I’m not saying eliminate it completely (although that would be great) just make sure you moderate your intake. I find that good quality green tea helps me feel more alert yet mellow at the same time (loose leaf sencha is my choice) and it has been proven to have many health benefits. Never drink caffeine after 3:00pm as it can affect your sleep.

·         Get a good night’s sleep. There are many great psychology books and websites that are dedicated to the science of sleep which are absolutely worth reading. The effects of sleep deprivation include anxiety and even psychosis (not very nice), so sleeping well is very important to Aspergers sufferers. Essentially you need to develop a good routine before bed, making sure you go to bed at the same time every night (the sleep-wake cycle is a circadian rhythm). Any deviation can break this cycle and lead to insomnia. Make sure you sleep in a pitch black room (any amount of light can prevent the release melatonin, the sleep hormone). Don’t watch TV or play computer games for at least two hours before going to bed; read a book instead.

·         Go herbal. No, I don’t mean marijuana. Like alcohol, weed can just exasperate the problem. In those with a family history of mental illness weed use has been shown to cause psychosis   (if you have Aspergers, then you are even more susceptible). Short term effects include paranoia and anxiety and I think that I can safely say that that would be counterproductive. No, in this instance I mean herbal remedies. You should always seek your doctor’s advice before taking any herbal remedy. Valerian is one herbal remedy that I have found particularly useful as it calms nerves and promotes sleep. Hops is another good one. Camomile is great for relaxing, though not as potent as the previous two. It is almost certainly worth consulting with a herbalist if you think that this is an area worth exploring.

·         Don’t do drugs. Like weed, illegal drugs are illegal for a reason. No, the government doesn’t simply want to spoil everyone’s fun. The negative effects upon the individual and society outweigh any benefits. I know that it’s tempting to make the pain go away even just for half an hour, but trust me, it isn’t. It’s just sweeping the problem under the carpet. The problem is essentially the same as alcohol, only worse. In order to get rid of the anxiety you would have to keep doing them, and then you get hooked. You go there and you’re not coming back.   

This is just a selection of my favourite techniques for reducing stress. There are many more, which I will cover at a later date (cognitive behavioural therapy techniques are pretty good). They are particularly helpful when combined with medication. Try them all and see which works best for you; even if you are not an aspie yourself, after all, everyone gets stressed at some point.

My first post.

Well, here it is, the moment when fingure meets keyboard and I begin this weird and slightly unnerving pastime. It will be OK in the end I guess. At least it is not a face to face discussion. Social interaction has always been difficult for me. My family would be forgiven for thinking that my aspergers has gotten worse with age. It hasn't; it has stayed the same. As I have grown up the social situations have become more intense and complicated. Adults are expected to do things like paying bills, taking out loans, developing serious relationships, dealing with companies, employers, employees, etc. that kids just don't. Also, as a child, if you are slightly quirky, no one really notices, yet as an adult you are expected to live a certain life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about an inability to follow rules (as an aspie I love rules and regulations). However, you are expected to be normal, that is move out of your parents house, develop a million social contacts deemed friends (technically people usually have under a hundred social contacts who could really be called friends, but claim they have so many more), develop an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex (or even the same sex) and develop an active career.
And me? I would die if my parents told me to move out (I am lucky to have the parents that I do). That's not even an over exaggeration, I really would not be able to cope and no, I could not learn how to, my brain just isn't wired that way. It would be like living without a digestive tract. I have acute social anxiety and again it's how I was born. However I am perfectly happy being by myself. The above of course preclude me from say becoming a lawyer or banker and moving to the city. Again, I couldn't care less. I have accepted who I am and my limitations. I have ambition that is tampered by realism. I have tried to be ambitious several times in my life and it almost killed me. In accepting my limitations I am finally starting to be happy. I like thinking differently. This is who I am.