Mr McKinnon.

It was really good news to hear that Gary McKinnon's extradition was blocked. I don't believe that the extradition treaty between Britain and the USA is one-sided. Nor do I believe that he didn't do anything wrong just because he is a fellow Brit or Aspie. What I do believe however, is that he would have killed himself had he been extradited. How do I know that? Because faced with potentially 60 years in prison in another country and culture I can say with absolute certainty that I would take my own life. The change would be cataclysmic and the huge emotional impact would be more than I could bear. ASD doesn't mean that you cannot feel emotion; quite the opposite in fact. I feel far too much. Our brains are wired up in a way that means that we are far more sensitive to emotional stimulus than NT individuals. If you've ever felt overwhelmed by events then you will have some idea of what we quite often face when dealing with change; and believe me when I say that almost every day involves change. And when a change is this huge, that everything you know and love in your world is taken away from you, then life becomes unbearable. The only way out that the obsessive and intensely focused mind of the Aspie would see would be death. Anything to escape from the overwhelming emotion.

I can understand why Gary McKinnon did what he did. I know, and he would have known that it was wrong; but he would have been compelled by his obsessive curiosity to seek out answers to his question. Our SI's completely narrow our focus to such a degree that everything else around us becomes irrelevant and invisible. We cannot help it in the same way that we need to eat and drink. If I think of a question then I am compelled to find an answer, no matter what time at night it is or whatever the possible consequences might be (though the threat of prison in another country has thankfully never been a possibility for me thank God!).

This is not an excuse for what Gary did. I still believe that he should be punished for infringing the rules. After all, we Aspies are known for our love of rules and regulations. I am simply glad that he wasn't extradited to certain suicide. In the end, maybe his skills as a hacker should be employed by either the UK or USA governments. They are certainly a great example of the way that Aspies are quite often the leaders in their fields. The extra publicity for Aspergers Syndrome should also help to improve public perception and understanding for what is at times a horrific burden for any human being to carry. Hopefully Gary can now continue living his life whilst enjoying some of the benefits of it.

Changes...

Finally, I have some time to write! I have just completed my first full week back at work and my first full week with the new guy and a different atmosphere. All that I can say with any certainty is that it has been a week of change. To me it feels like everything has changed. I know that it has not, but it is a feeling deep in my gut that cannot be shifted with any amount of logic or rationalising. The new guy is alright; indeed we share a lot of the same taste in music and computer games. However that represents a greater danger to me than if we were completely unalike: I need to keep my work and home life absolutely separate and that just makes it harder. I worry constantly that he will try and involve me outside of work, which I can understand is normal for NT’s, but undesirable to me. The moment work and ‘play’ bleed together, as they did back when I was at school, then I cannot cope.  

A large part of me mourns the loss of the life I have lost. Just under two years with little major change in my life represents something of a golden age. No matter what I do, I cannot go back to what once was; I can only remember it fondly. That in a way helps me to deal with the change. It is a point in time that I can use as an anchor; a way to almost instantly calm my nerves, even if it is at the cost of a little depression. Mindfulness too helps. Focusing on the moment rather than the wider world helps me a great deal. I now have to focus upon enjoying the little things when I can. For me that usually involves bushcraft and nature. They embody something of a mental escape route when things start to get a little too much. The kind of calm and sense of peace that I can achieve when using mindfulness in times of change is greater than when everything is stable. Whilst I am less in control of my life, I am more in control of my mind and body. 

                                                 The key to my mindfulness technique.  

                                                 © Stephen Horncastle (SC: google images)

I still miss being away, though I think that it may be down to my perceiving it as a simpler time, before the changes occurred rather than my catching wanderlust. Who knows though, I might be wrong. Perhaps more self-analysis will reveal more.

Work and my Aspie mind

It’s my first day back at work after my hol's, and my drops three bombshells on me. I say bombshells, but at the time they felt more like nuclear warheads. First, I have to continue doing overtime until around September because the colleague who lost some of his fingers isn’t back yet. Which is fair enough, he can’t help that; but it still came as something of a nasty surprise. I was after all told and expecting that I would be able to split my time again. It just seems like the date of my release from non-normality keeps getting pushed further and further back. I keep thinking “when will this end”? The second warhead was that we are doing an exhibition, which means that I am going to be under a lot of pressure from deadlines on top of doing extra time. The third and possibly the most serious was that we would be getting a ‘new guy’. To me that completely changes the entire nature of the workplace. Worse, he lives along my commute and can’t drive, so I was asked if I can give him a lift every day. Of course I didn’t really have a choice. My commute used to be time with just my thoughts, and now it is going to be small talk, at least at first. Being stuck in a car for an hour a day with a relative stranger is not my idea of fun.

Only time will tell if it turns out as badly as every bone in my body says it will. He seems alright, but I am worried that he won’t understand that I don’t ‘hang-out’ after work and am not interested in meeting his mates; even if he thinks that I will like them. I’ve been in that situation too many times before to be pleased. I think that I will disclose my ‘disorder’ at the first opportunity and hope that he understands that I am something of a loner. Besides, the average age of my friends is about in the late forties and he is a lot younger than that. I am more than happy to work with him, just don’t expect me to socialise after hours. 

                                            An accurate representation of how I feel right now!

Right now I’m just trying to enjoy the little things in order to cope with these changes. An early night with a good book, watching some good documentaries, a little consumer therapy (for gadgets, music etc. not clothes or shoes); these are ways to take my mind off of my problems and the depression that I can feel lurking in the shadows.

On Being a British Aspie

I love Britain. For all its flaws I don’t think that I could think of a better place to live. That’s not a slight on any other country; I’m just proud to live where I do. Pride usually involves a certain degree of chauvinism, but as I have already mentioned, I love other countries too. To be something of a patriot doesn’t have to involve xenophobia or even arrogance. People all too often seem to confuse these emotions and patriotism can get incredibly ugly. I am aware of my country’s flaws and I accept that things could be done better. I have studied British history extensively and I am well aware that we, as a nation have made mistakes. To forget them would be foolish, but to dwell on them would be just as bad.

The Queen’s visit to Ireland filled me with pride. Finally, both nations are starting to look forward rather than back. I can’t apologise for what my predecessors did and neither should I take the blame. The Real IRA campaign is something that I have never fully understood. Ireland is an independent republic now. Northern Ireland chose, under democratic conditions, not to join that republic. They could opt out of the UK at any time they choose, so why is the rest of the being involved in their bombing campaign. The UK government has no real say in Irish matters, so why are we being dragged into it. I grew up with the ‘troubles’ and the possibility of being blown up by IRA bombs. I remember asking my dad when I was little, why the IRA would want to blow people like me up: what did I ever do to them. I understand that one man’s terrorist is another’s freedom fighter, but there is absolutely no excuse for violence against innocent and unarmed people. That is defined as murder. Try and morally justify it from a rational point of view and I’ll bet you can’t. Even when nations attack civilians it is universally condemned. Alex Salmond’s plans to dissolve the Union worry me. I love Britain and I don’t want to see it fall apart. Both sides of the argument have merit, but as Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘a house divided against itself cannot stand’. Together the countries that make up the Union form something greater than the sum of its parts. Individually, they amount to small, insignificant countries. As you can imagine from this argument, I like the European Union. I wouldn’t go for Britain’s full economic integration (the problems that the Eurozone is facing now demonstrates why better than I could), but I believe that many nations working together to form something great is how the world should be run. Until humanity realises that we are all the same species, I guess that the EU is a reasonable goal to work towards.

I’ve been told by ‘foreign friends’ that I am exactly what they expected all Brits to be like, so I guess I am a stereotypical Brit (that we all have bad teeth is a myth). I still don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or not. I think it is because Brits are supposed to be polite (I try), love tea (green for me!) and be emotionally and physically reserved; this plays right into an Aspies’ hands. Add into that equation my home county’s reputation for its people to speak their mind and you have a haven for an Aspie.

With regards to being an Aspie, I am very lucky to live in Britain where it is understood and accepted. In many third world nations it seems to either be ignored or treated as something to be ashamed of. Even in some developed countries it is only just starting to be recognised. Until recently it was treated as if it was leprosy in South Korea, though things seem to be picking up. Who knows how Aspies are treated in North Korea: I hate to imagine. The NHS, despite all of the negative publicity that it gets, is actually pretty good. My local hospital is one of the best in the country (lucky me again), and the local surgeries and services also perform well above the national average. Half of my life I have had some form of counselling or therapy, the vast majority on the NHS and in my experience, they have been pretty good. When I was diagnosed with Aspergers in my later teenage years, my local adolescent clinic agreed to keep seeing me until I could find an adult service, even though I was over the age limit. Prescriptions are cheaper than they would be under private health care, which is important to me because I am likely to be on my medication for the rest of my life. I also have a good GP who is very understanding; even if he is not entirely knowledgeable on Aspergers. Specialist NHS services for mental health issues are run well even if they mostly rely on cognitive behavioural therapy (or CBT). In my experience of the NHS, the top may be slightly messed up, but the people on the ground are hardworking and dedicated. If you need to, you can also gain access to private healthcare and there are many excellent services dedicated to ASD in the UK, as well as charitable organisations and support systems in schools and universities. For the record, the university that I went to had an excellent support network for students, without which I would certainly have struggled.

Britain is also geographically stable. I can’t imagine having to live with deadly weather features such as those tornadoes currently sweeping the US mid-west. To have all that you own including your home picked up and smashed to pieces right before your eyes must be devastating. To see your world come crashing down around you like the Japanese did earlier this year would also take a lot of strength to survive. Being an Aspie, I love stability and if I found myself in the above situations I don’t know how I would cope. The most I have to cope with in terms of weather is the changing of the seasons, which I perversely kind of love. Cold and frosty mornings in winter and misty morn’s in the summer cannot be beaten. I must admit that I even love the rain. Coming back from a family holiday in Spain where there was no rain the whole time made it all the sweeter. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t rain all the time in Britain, though it depends on season and location as for how much you actually get.

I love Britain and I believe that I have been very lucky to be born here. As such I feel no need to wait impatiently for wanderlust to affect me. I am content where I am.