October was a fairly dark month for me. Not as dark as those
before my first year at university; but still pretty grey. November too has
felt the same so far. I know what depression feels like and I can safely say
that I have been depressed at times during the last few months. Even at the
best of times there is the feeling of a loss of control of the events that
surround me. It’s hard to be optimistic in the current climate. The economy is
still struggling but now it is really starting to hurt both my work and my
parents. My one major insecurity in life is that I am totally reliant on my
parents. I need them. They provide support to me, support that is vital to my
mental health and stability. I can go from ‘happy as Larry’ to suicidal in a
matter of hours. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I need support.
In these situations I won’t go so far as to actually kill myself, but I think
about it and that in itself is distressing.
For a few months my parents have been fighting the bank, who
are extorting vast sums of money from their business every month. Assets have
been and continue to be sold in an effort to keep afloat. Legal action is being
prepared against the bank, but legal help costs more money. It is a case that
according to legal precedent they should win. The question is whether it will
be too late. The whole thing casts a massive shadow of uncertainty over both
their and my future.
Ordinarily I would throw myself into my work, but that
business is struggling too. My hours have been drastically cut and I have
agreed to take a massive pay cut in order to keep the firm above the red, as
well as to safeguard my job.
I know how to deal with depression; I’ve been dealing with it
since I was thirteen. I can cope with it. I’m not suicidal, so please do not
worry about me. I just feel a lot of anxiety at the moment. I don’t like change
and the potentially catastrophic changes that could occur are simply too much
to think about. At times like this I fall back into the moment I’m in. I try to
enjoy the little things in life, be it games, books and music. I’m also going
to have to cut back on my twitter experiment. The anxiety that it sometimes causes
is unhelpful when I am feeling vulnerable.
All in all not a very optimistic post, but an important one.
Many aspies face a lifelong battle with depression. It is key that we learn to
identify it, counter it and not let it ruin our lives.
