Blue Monday

October was a fairly dark month for me. Not as dark as those before my first year at university; but still pretty grey. November too has felt the same so far. I know what depression feels like and I can safely say that I have been depressed at times during the last few months. Even at the best of times there is the feeling of a loss of control of the events that surround me. It’s hard to be optimistic in the current climate. The economy is still struggling but now it is really starting to hurt both my work and my parents. My one major insecurity in life is that I am totally reliant on my parents. I need them. They provide support to me, support that is vital to my mental health and stability. I can go from ‘happy as Larry’ to suicidal in a matter of hours. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I need support. In these situations I won’t go so far as to actually kill myself, but I think about it and that in itself is distressing.

For a few months my parents have been fighting the bank, who are extorting vast sums of money from their business every month. Assets have been and continue to be sold in an effort to keep afloat. Legal action is being prepared against the bank, but legal help costs more money. It is a case that according to legal precedent they should win. The question is whether it will be too late. The whole thing casts a massive shadow of uncertainty over both their and my future.

Ordinarily I would throw myself into my work, but that business is struggling too. My hours have been drastically cut and I have agreed to take a massive pay cut in order to keep the firm above the red, as well as to safeguard my job.

I know how to deal with depression; I’ve been dealing with it since I was thirteen. I can cope with it. I’m not suicidal, so please do not worry about me. I just feel a lot of anxiety at the moment. I don’t like change and the potentially catastrophic changes that could occur are simply too much to think about. At times like this I fall back into the moment I’m in. I try to enjoy the little things in life, be it games, books and music. I’m also going to have to cut back on my twitter experiment. The anxiety that it sometimes causes is unhelpful when I am feeling vulnerable.

All in all not a very optimistic post, but an important one. Many aspies face a lifelong battle with depression. It is key that we learn to identify it, counter it and not let it ruin our lives.

Dealing with the diagnosis.

I can still remember when I got diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. I had been receiving counselling and therapy since I was 13 for various problems including depression and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).  It turned out later that these are disorders that affect many Aspies, but I did not know it at the time. By the time I was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers I was nearly 19 and had just finished my A levels. It started off as just a normal session with me hunched over on an uncomfortable plastic chair, staring at the tiled carpet. The room was quite dim, which I guess helped to calm down patients. My parents were waiting outside, as they had been asked to come. Dr G (not his real name) and Dr K (again no indication of their real name) were sat opposite me. We had just been discussing ways to control my OCD, when Dr A asked if I would let my parents come in. I agreed and awkwardly got up to call them in. Moments later we were all seated in a semi-circle, with me sandwiched between my mum and dad. Suddenly Dr A dropped a bomb. “I have discussed it with Dr K, and we believe that your son is on the autistic spectrum; more specifically that he has what is called Aspergers syndrome”.

                Alarm bells went off in my head. What the hell is that! Can I chalk that up as yet another mental illness that I am suffering from? Great, one more problem to deal with! That is how my thinking went. Dr G continued to give a description of Aspergers. As he did I got the weird feeling that I was looking at a description of myself. Everything started to make sense! Finally I knew what was wrong with me; why I was different to other people. Maybe there is a cure I thought. Turns out that there isn’t one, but do you know what? I really don’t care about that. My problems weren’t down to past experiences or weakness. I had a neurobiological difference to normal people; something that was not technically a mental illness. I am just different.

                The months that followed saw me reading up as much as I could on Aspergers. What started off as a cloud over my existence lifted as I began to understand it. To me knowledge was the key to living with Aspergers; the key from turning a curse into a mixed blessing. The key to making the best of my situation and finding happiness in my life. It still is, and it is the first thing that I would recommend to anyone recently diagnosed. Think of Aspergers as a mixed blessing. Sure, there are bad parts, but there are also benefits that are a gift. The ability to focus absolutely on a subject or topic that fascinates you and that you derive absolute joy from is one. Another is taking solace in solitude; you don’t need to constantly be around others. Focusing on the positives is great, but you also have to understand and accept your weaknesses. They are just as important, if not more so, than your strengths. Change and social situations are two of the biggest weaknesses that an Aspie will face. They will never be overcome completely, but that’s OK. They don’t need to be. You just need to find a way to live with them. You don’t have to be normal; you can embrace your differences. The key to dealing with the diagnosis is firstly to know your enemy i.e. and then to accept your weaknesses. Then as you learn more and more you can start to make the best of your life and even excel at it.