A moment's peace

Anxiety is probably one of the most unpleasant of human emotions. Like a marauding army it lays waste to your mind and body, almost unstoppable in its advance and absolutely merciless. From the moment it takes root, it grows and grows and just like a virus it is contagious. I consider it my greatest and oldest enemy and I loathe it accordingly. I would honestly rather be depressed than anxious, though the two are never far apart. Most people only have to deal with it periodically, such as when facing deadlines at work, or going on stage. For an Aspie, Anxiety seems to be constant. It circles them like a vulture, watching and waiting for a moment of weakness. The slightest doubt or loss of concentration and it pounces. Beating it back at this stage requires a great deal of effort and even when bested, it simply lurks in the shadows, biding its time.

                Moments of calm are as rare to me as they are prized. Imagine being in a large room filled with people talking loudly; the sound builds and builds until you fear that your eardrums will blow. Then, suddenly, there is silence. The sense of exhausted relief that you feel is what I experience when I feel calm. Often it is entirely unexpected, sometimes it is the result of intense effort. I know that the anxiety will be back, but I am determined to enjoy it regardless. The feeling frequently brings back memories of better times, though one in particular stands out.

                All I can hear are my own footsteps reverberating up through my body and emerging inside my ear as gentle thuds. There are other sounds, but in this moment in time I am only aware of my footsteps. I can feel the ground below my feet; feel the coolness of the compressed limestone. The contrast of the mild yet nurturing heat of the spring sun upon the nape of my neck is profound. The fresh green leaves fluttering gently in the slight breeze blur into the background as I walk on. Finally I come to the place that I have been seeking, my spot. The comfort that it brings envelops me like a warm duvet in winter time. Cold hard path becomes soft springy moss. I gently ease my head down onto this natural carpet and close my eyes for a second. Finally I am aware of the sounds of the woodland. Birds tweet, lambs call and the stream gurgles lazily. A short distance away a woodpecker starts to hammer, the sound echoing around the trees so that is softer and more soothing. The sun too seems softer. I open my eyes and gaze up into the ceiling provided by the ancient beech tree. Sunlight flickers through the canopy, making the green foliage sparkle with golden fire. I breathe deeply, savouring the earthy smell of the moss. I no longer feel any pain or anxiety. The weight of the world dissipates with each breath. For that moment, I just am.

                When I meditate, I often try revisiting this particular moment in my mind. Moments of calm such as these help me to cope with the present; they provide not only peace, but also hope. Things can get better, I can feel like that again if I just endure.

Discrimination in employment: how the law is on your side.

Here is some more information about how the law protects Aspies from discrimination in employment.

• In the EU this comes under Employment framework directive (2000/78/EC). A full copy of this directive can be found here:

 http://eur-lex.europa.eu/LexUriServ/LexUriServ.do?uri=CELEX:32000L0078:EN:NOT

• In the USA Sections 501 and 505 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 and Title I and Title V of the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 are the main ones relevant to Aspies. A summary of these acts can be found here:

http://www.eeoc.gov/facts/qanda.html


Don't be afraid to exercise your rights if you have to. It shouldn't have to come to legal action, but sadly it is a possibility. I wish that I could give information for every nation's discrimination laws, however, time and the confines of my linguistical ability prevent me from doing so.

Dealing with the diagnosis.

I can still remember when I got diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. I had been receiving counselling and therapy since I was 13 for various problems including depression and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).  It turned out later that these are disorders that affect many Aspies, but I did not know it at the time. By the time I was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers I was nearly 19 and had just finished my A levels. It started off as just a normal session with me hunched over on an uncomfortable plastic chair, staring at the tiled carpet. The room was quite dim, which I guess helped to calm down patients. My parents were waiting outside, as they had been asked to come. Dr G (not his real name) and Dr K (again no indication of their real name) were sat opposite me. We had just been discussing ways to control my OCD, when Dr A asked if I would let my parents come in. I agreed and awkwardly got up to call them in. Moments later we were all seated in a semi-circle, with me sandwiched between my mum and dad. Suddenly Dr A dropped a bomb. “I have discussed it with Dr K, and we believe that your son is on the autistic spectrum; more specifically that he has what is called Aspergers syndrome”.

                Alarm bells went off in my head. What the hell is that! Can I chalk that up as yet another mental illness that I am suffering from? Great, one more problem to deal with! That is how my thinking went. Dr G continued to give a description of Aspergers. As he did I got the weird feeling that I was looking at a description of myself. Everything started to make sense! Finally I knew what was wrong with me; why I was different to other people. Maybe there is a cure I thought. Turns out that there isn’t one, but do you know what? I really don’t care about that. My problems weren’t down to past experiences or weakness. I had a neurobiological difference to normal people; something that was not technically a mental illness. I am just different.

                The months that followed saw me reading up as much as I could on Aspergers. What started off as a cloud over my existence lifted as I began to understand it. To me knowledge was the key to living with Aspergers; the key from turning a curse into a mixed blessing. The key to making the best of my situation and finding happiness in my life. It still is, and it is the first thing that I would recommend to anyone recently diagnosed. Think of Aspergers as a mixed blessing. Sure, there are bad parts, but there are also benefits that are a gift. The ability to focus absolutely on a subject or topic that fascinates you and that you derive absolute joy from is one. Another is taking solace in solitude; you don’t need to constantly be around others. Focusing on the positives is great, but you also have to understand and accept your weaknesses. They are just as important, if not more so, than your strengths. Change and social situations are two of the biggest weaknesses that an Aspie will face. They will never be overcome completely, but that’s OK. They don’t need to be. You just need to find a way to live with them. You don’t have to be normal; you can embrace your differences. The key to dealing with the diagnosis is firstly to know your enemy i.e. and then to accept your weaknesses. Then as you learn more and more you can start to make the best of your life and even excel at it.

Dealing with the anxiety of being an Aspie.

One of the major drawbacks of living with Aspergers syndrome is having to deal with the near constant anxiety. If you’ve ever suffered a panic attack then you will have some understanding of what it’s like. The butterflies that you get in your stomach before speaking in public or doing a job interview are almost constant. Social situations can bring about what can only be described as the worst panic attack that a normal individual will ever has, plus some more. There are times when I have seriously fantasised about having my adrenal gland removed (impossible I know, but we all dream).  A major part of my therapy and counselling revolves around trying to manage this constant state of anxiety.  The better part of a decade and a half of such treatments has given me a lot of experience in dealing with my arch nemesis, anxiety. I have also developed my own techniques, which work particularly well for me.

Here are some of the techniques that help to calm me down when things start to get a bit too much:

·         Breathing exercise: take a deep breath in whilst counting to four and then slowly releasing whilst counting to at least ten. This should help to ease the palpitations in your chest. Good for mild anxiety, but not much help in dealing with panic.

·         Go for a walk. Exercise helps reduce stress and can occupy the mind, especially when done on a sunny day in the countryside. This being Britain, sun is something you hear about but don’t often see. Therefore I usually take my mp3 player and listen to some chillout music or metal, depending on how I feel (let me explain; I would rather be angry than anxious or sad, so metal can work a treat). Don’t listen to grunge whilst doing this. Regardless of its artistic merit, it is too depressing to be productive and tends to make you focus on the negatives of your situation. Classical music on the other hand works a treat, just choose something uplifting.

·         Read a book. I personally love reading and this is one of the most effective ways to reduce stress and anxiety, more so than the above two. Just don’t choose something too dark; instead go for something engaging. Essentially you are trying to distract yourself. Once you are appropriately absorbed your heart rate should start to slow and your stomach un-knot, all without you having to put any effort into it.

·         Get crafty. Take up an art or craft. Again this is an effective way to prevent your mind running wild. Do something that interests you and is hard enough that you are challenged, but not so hard that you bash your brains out on a wall.

·         Reduce your alcohol intake. Drinking just masks the problem and can lead to a vicious cycle. Alcohol addiction is a highly unpleasant possibility and can lead to increased anxiety in both the long and short-term. Going teetotal is also not the way forward. Alcohol in moderation can be good for you (red wine etc.) and a glass of wine in the evening can be relaxing. Just don’t think that drinking until you don’t feel anything will cure you. You’d have to be permanently pickled and that will just make things far, far worse.

·         Cut down on the caffeine. Caffeine stimulates the mind, yet it also simulates anxiety. I’m not saying eliminate it completely (although that would be great) just make sure you moderate your intake. I find that good quality green tea helps me feel more alert yet mellow at the same time (loose leaf sencha is my choice) and it has been proven to have many health benefits. Never drink caffeine after 3:00pm as it can affect your sleep.

·         Get a good night’s sleep. There are many great psychology books and websites that are dedicated to the science of sleep which are absolutely worth reading. The effects of sleep deprivation include anxiety and even psychosis (not very nice), so sleeping well is very important to Aspergers sufferers. Essentially you need to develop a good routine before bed, making sure you go to bed at the same time every night (the sleep-wake cycle is a circadian rhythm). Any deviation can break this cycle and lead to insomnia. Make sure you sleep in a pitch black room (any amount of light can prevent the release melatonin, the sleep hormone). Don’t watch TV or play computer games for at least two hours before going to bed; read a book instead.

·         Go herbal. No, I don’t mean marijuana. Like alcohol, weed can just exasperate the problem. In those with a family history of mental illness weed use has been shown to cause psychosis   (if you have Aspergers, then you are even more susceptible). Short term effects include paranoia and anxiety and I think that I can safely say that that would be counterproductive. No, in this instance I mean herbal remedies. You should always seek your doctor’s advice before taking any herbal remedy. Valerian is one herbal remedy that I have found particularly useful as it calms nerves and promotes sleep. Hops is another good one. Camomile is great for relaxing, though not as potent as the previous two. It is almost certainly worth consulting with a herbalist if you think that this is an area worth exploring.

·         Don’t do drugs. Like weed, illegal drugs are illegal for a reason. No, the government doesn’t simply want to spoil everyone’s fun. The negative effects upon the individual and society outweigh any benefits. I know that it’s tempting to make the pain go away even just for half an hour, but trust me, it isn’t. It’s just sweeping the problem under the carpet. The problem is essentially the same as alcohol, only worse. In order to get rid of the anxiety you would have to keep doing them, and then you get hooked. You go there and you’re not coming back.   

This is just a selection of my favourite techniques for reducing stress. There are many more, which I will cover at a later date (cognitive behavioural therapy techniques are pretty good). They are particularly helpful when combined with medication. Try them all and see which works best for you; even if you are not an aspie yourself, after all, everyone gets stressed at some point.

My first post.

Well, here it is, the moment when fingure meets keyboard and I begin this weird and slightly unnerving pastime. It will be OK in the end I guess. At least it is not a face to face discussion. Social interaction has always been difficult for me. My family would be forgiven for thinking that my aspergers has gotten worse with age. It hasn't; it has stayed the same. As I have grown up the social situations have become more intense and complicated. Adults are expected to do things like paying bills, taking out loans, developing serious relationships, dealing with companies, employers, employees, etc. that kids just don't. Also, as a child, if you are slightly quirky, no one really notices, yet as an adult you are expected to live a certain life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about an inability to follow rules (as an aspie I love rules and regulations). However, you are expected to be normal, that is move out of your parents house, develop a million social contacts deemed friends (technically people usually have under a hundred social contacts who could really be called friends, but claim they have so many more), develop an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex (or even the same sex) and develop an active career.
And me? I would die if my parents told me to move out (I am lucky to have the parents that I do). That's not even an over exaggeration, I really would not be able to cope and no, I could not learn how to, my brain just isn't wired that way. It would be like living without a digestive tract. I have acute social anxiety and again it's how I was born. However I am perfectly happy being by myself. The above of course preclude me from say becoming a lawyer or banker and moving to the city. Again, I couldn't care less. I have accepted who I am and my limitations. I have ambition that is tampered by realism. I have tried to be ambitious several times in my life and it almost killed me. In accepting my limitations I am finally starting to be happy. I like thinking differently. This is who I am.