Fear of the Future

I spend a lot of time thinking and planning, it’s just in my nature to. My favourite saying is “failure to prepare is a preparation to fail”. Being an Aspie with an intense fear/distrust of change, that saying has served me very well over the years. Change isn’t so hard to deal with when you have prepared for it. I was as mentally prepared for my grandpa’s death as I could have been. Granted, it still hurt, but it could have been worse. I had vast career plan when I left school many years ago, and whilst things didn’t go as I’d hoped, I did have a lot of backup plans, so I was prepared. Whenever I go out in my car I am prepared for most emergencies. I try and stockpile consumable products so that I will never suddenly run out (especially my favourite green tea - I’m British so that is not as ridiculous as it sounds). I have set in motion plans to deal with most of the predictable events in my life. I estimate that about 40% of my time spent thinking is devoted to planning. Less than half, you say; to which I would reply it is still the largest amount. Only 10% is spent reflecting on the past and 30% on the present. The other 10% is spent daydreaming utter nonsense, but hey, you’re allowed to have fun.

The older (and I hope wiser!) that I get, the more that I accept that I cannot predict and plan for every eventuality. I love the great Robert Burns’ poem ‘To a Mouse’, particularly the passage:

But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!

It acts as a useful mantra to limit my propensity to plan; a counterbalance if you will. There have been many times in the past where I have been metaphorically caught with my pants down. In a way that is a good thing as I always try to learn from my mistakes and vow never to make the same again. However, it also demonstrates to me that no matter what, the future is largely unpredictable, full of change and most of all inevitable. That translates to an Aspie as absolutely terrifying. My fixation with planning helps to lessen that, as does a certain degree of optimism; change can be a good thing. As long as that optimism is tempered by a healthy dose of realism, then you won’t be disappointed too much. I always say expect the worst, hope for the best. Even with all of these defence mechanisms I would still describe the future as my biggest fear. I fear what I cannot control. I can imagine that for most Aspies it is the same. We fear/dislike change and yet the only thing that never changes is that everything changes. The future is change. I guess what I’m trying to put across is that it is OK to fear the future; even NT’s do. I am able to cope with it through the development of the defence techniques listed above. Sure they’re not perfect, but I am still working on them and that is a reason for hope.