An Aspie in Love

The poor social skills and perceived lack of empathy of those with Aspergers means that many people believe that Aspies are emotionally arrested individuals. Granted, an Aspies preference for logic over emotion does make us seem a tad robotic, but to say that we don’t experience emotion as much as an NT (Neurotypical – basically a “normal” person) is absolutely unfounded. Anxiety is one emotion that we seem to suffer from more than most and is probably the most powerful in my life. If I were to list all of the emotions that I have experienced in my life in two columns, one for positive and one for negative, then anxiety would be top of the negative. At the top of the positive would be love. I’m not just talking about romantic love, but also platonic (if you ever look the word love in the dictionary, you’ll see why there really should be different words to describe all of the different definitions; love is inadequate). In my world it is the counterbalance to anxiety; the only thing strong enough to overcome it. I love many experiences, people, places, things in different ways. I love routine, be it making a cup of green tea or getting ready to go to bed (a highly complex ritual developed over many years of trial and error to promote relaxation, though not yet perfected). I love experiences like clean sheets, being by a campfire when it’s dark or a clear and frosty morning. I love my home and my room. I love my parents, my siblings and my dogs. I might not emote it as much as an NT, but I do experience love and the level of expression is the only difference between us.

When it comes to romantic love, things get a little trickier. Again, I would argue that the experience it as much as an NT, however, the difference in expression is far wider than with the other kinds of love. It is far more tempered by rationale and logic because it is a major source of internal conflict in my life. I have been in love a fair few times, and each time it has led to pain. This is either because of my difficulty in conveying it, my social awkwardness or my fear of change. The first two are easy to fix: body language books and practice, but the third is a deep seated part of who I am. It will never be remedied. To follow my heart into a relationship would be disastrous. The huge changes that relationships entail would cause me a lot of grief and anxiety. Not only that, but it would hurt someone else too and I could not do that to someone I cared about. A bad experience could lead to relationships being linked in my mind to physical pain and negative emotion. For this reason I have lost many women I have fallen for, and hurt many through mixed signals. It hurts me too; I think that the saying “it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all” is particularly stupid. The battle between heart and head is always fierce and is the greatest source of internal conflict and stress in my life. It is also an area I have spent the most time trying to understand. I have to be logical and calculating about it; as well as being something that comes naturally to me, it is also the only chance that I will have to make a relationship succeed. It is still very much a work in progress, so if you are hoping that I am going to give any insights or advice, then I’m afraid I cannot do that. Many Aspies find someone and are happy, but in the end it is an individual experience; what goes for one doesn’t work for everyone. For now I am happy to be patient and wait until I am well and truly prepared. My suffering a broken heart every so often is a price that I am willing to pay.