An Aspie Abroad

It has been bad enough not being able to post due to a lack of time, but for the next three weeks I will not be able to post at all. I am finally going on holiday, having got extra time off due to my extra hard work over the last two months. But wait I hear you say, haven’t I continually stated my dislike/phobia of travel? Well, yes, that is true. However, the place that I am going to in the Mediterranean has a very special place in my heart, and I also have a soft spot for the Mediterranean as a whole. Plus, my entire family are taking time off from work/university to go, so I will have lots of moral support. The flights still scare me though. I wouldn’t say that I have a fear of flying; I just experience a lot of unease when taking off and landing. Which seems perfectly natural, to be honest. I don’t completely understand the physics of flight and that moment when the pilot puts it into full throttle just before take-off just feels wrong. Despite it usually being an early morning flight, my brother and I usually have a breakfast Guinness before the flight (it’s medicinal! On a side note Guinness seems to taste really good early in the morning, I think it’s something to do with your taste buds and them not really being fully awake. I am not an alcoholic, honest, it’s an annual tradition). I also take a valerian capsule before I leave home which seems to suppress the nervous system and take the edge off of my anxieties.

Packing always seems to make me feel more anxious. I guess that that is because it makes it real instead of an idea. When the car pulls away from home I always get the feeling that I’ll never see home again. That for me is the worst part. If I am going to have a panic attack, it is usually then that it happens. Thankfully though, if I am going somewhere that I actually like, then it’s not so bad. Once I am at the airport a sort of acceptance of the inevitable sinks in. My siblings usually provide a good distraction as they know how I feel about the whole thing. When I am there my world shrinks to my immediate surroundings, which is great. I am actually looking forward to having time to read and sleep! Before all of this can take place I have to go to my cousin’s wedding and the party, which is not what I’d call my idea of fun. The actual ceremony will be fine; I just hate fancy dinners. Being an Aspie I find dinner conversation really difficult, not to mention tiring. I think that I will try a new technique to combat the possibility of a panic attack and the resulting nausea: a concoction of cinnamon, ginger and beer. All three are known for their anti-nausea properties, so trying them all at once should be very effective (that is if the concoction doesn’t actually make me sick). I’ll report how it turns out when I get back.

Artistic License?

I am constantly amazed by how much NT’s bend the truth. There have been so many times when have heard the re-telling of an event, which I have myself witnessed, only to find that the details have been altered. It is not an outright lie, it has just been altered a little (or a lot, depending upon who is telling it). If I don’t believe that a story is entertaining enough for general consumption, I will keep it to myself. I just cannot bring myself to lie about things, even little things. It makes me highly uncomfortable. The worst perpetrator seems to be my younger sister, who habitually over-exaggerates, and this actually leads to a lot of conflict between us as if she does this in front of me, then I cannot stand by and let it happen. I know that my correcting her is a little OCD, but from a moral standpoint, it is absolutely right to do so; even if it is not encouraged in certain social situations. I guess that it is something that I will never fully understand…

Ratings

Just added ratings to see what's what. There are only three types at the moment, but I am sure that I will add more when I am suitably inspired. Just curious is all. Mind you, they did say that curiosity killed the cat...

Ruminations Part 1

Well, here I am again. I finally got an afternoon off and thought that I would do some exercise: finger exercise that is. Hey, fingers need a work out too; and typing is hard work. Luckily I am keeping hydrated with a nice mug of Mu tea. I have no idea what is in it and it smells quite funky, but a mug of tea (no matter how funky!) is great for morale. 

                                                                         Tea!!!

After having re-read (for about the 50^th time) ‘:59 seconds’ by Professor Richard Wiseman, especially the chapter on personality, I got to wondering how much my experience in life so far has modified my Aspergers. Not every Aspie is exactly the same (I know that I sometimes use generalisations) and so the differences between us must either be due to minute biological differences (nature) or how we are raised (nurture). Not just between Aspies, but also NT’s. Aspies are very introverted, whilst NT’s are usually extroverts. According to Wiseman introverts brains are very sensitive to stimulation, whilst extroverts’ brains are less sensitive. This would explain why Aspies such as me often feel swamped in apparently mundane situations. Perhaps the differences in our biology have made our brains even more sensitive to stimulus than even the most introverted NT. Robert Winston in ‘The Human Mind’ states that “many of the key elements of our personality are present from birth”(pg. 309 if you are interested).

When you factor in my life experience so far it’s not hard to see that I am irrevocably who I am. My fear/hatred of parties and other similar social situations stems from terrible past experiences which in turn were influenced by my Aspie biology. I cannot like them any more than a cheetah can change its spots. Even if I wanted to change, I could not alter my personality. Winston suggests as much when he states that by the time you leave high school (pg. 309 again), so it is much too late for me.

There is far too much information on the nature vs. nurture debate for me to share in one post, so I will try and gradually post more on it in the future, especially where it is relevant to Aspergers. I also feel that I should stop here as I have run out of tea.

Writer's Block!

Despite finally having some time free to sit down and write something, I don’t think that this will be a long post. I am suffering from what I assume to be writers block. You know the feeling; when you can’t seem to concentrate, when your mind feels fuggy. Words and thoughts are briefly glimpsed in the mist only to dance out of sight again. The weather probably doesn’t help. Currently it is so grey outside that it feels like winter. If I were to listen to my body though, I would guess that I am just tired. Having to work double-time to cover for a missing co-worker tends to do that. Not only that, but due to looming deadlines, I am also having to work twice as hard. I feel exhausted, and the worst part is that he will be off for at least another two weeks. Right now I’m just trying to power through it, but I’ll run out of energy sooner or later.

I am sure that it is something that is common to all Aspies, but daily life is exhausting. We have to put so much effort into things that others can do with ease. Social situations are the worst. I physically could not take more than one party every six months. I actually try to avoid them as much as possible, but there are some that I have to do. Even having an exchange with salespeople is tiring. Social contact requires a great deal of concentration which I just cannot manage when I am tired. Social skills are the first thing that my brain seems to jettison when it struggles. It is probably because I had to learn them from scratch rather than them being innate that they are sacrificed so readily.

Because I tire so quickly it is important that I am able to relax as well as sleep properly. A drink in the evening after work helps (as with everything, moderation is the key). The sight of a nice chilled pint of Guinness is enough to instantly bring down my blood pressure.

                                  

                                                           A beautiful sight to behold!

I have been told by several medical graduates that a person could live healthily on just Guinness and carrots. Apparently between them they contain all of the vitamins and minerals that you need. I certainly feel healthier when I have a Guinness as opposed to lager, ale or even wine (by the way I don’t work for Guinness, nor am I being paid to say this, just in case you are suspicious). As long as I avoid caffeine after 3:00pm, as well as bright light, then I can usually get to sleep. I often wonder if other Aspies suffer from insomnia like I do. At night, I just can’t shut off my thoughts. I go through any social interactions that I have had, worry about money and ponder the meaning of life. So far I have come up with survival being the meaning of life. You survive, you pass on your genes and that’s pretty much what all life is all about. That right there is the product of endless hours spent tossing and turning whilst trying to finally drift off (I guess I at least got something useful out it!). It is only through a strict observation of routine as well as the science behind sleep that I manage to at all.

It basically comes down to these points: avoid caffeine after 3:00pm, don’t drink too much alcohol (contrary to popular belief it doesn’t help, especially in large quantities), don’t use computers after 8:00pm, don’t exercise after 3:00pm, avoid all light (even charger lights) and try having a hot bath or shower just before bed. Sounds incredibly strict, not to mention anal, but as I said, it is the only way that I can get a good night’s sleep. And now when I am absolutely shattered from work, it is vitally important to my mental health, not to mention my blogging abilities!

An Aspie in the Social Revolution

The advent of the internet has been a mixed blessing for me, as has the advancement of mobile phone technology. On the one side I have access to more information than I could possibly absorb in a single lifetime, as well as gadgets and tools which my father’s generation would have thought impossible. On the other is the increasing encroachment of social networking as well as the erosion of privacy. Being an Aspie, socialising is not something I am particularly fond of. With face to face meetings I can choose whether or not to engage others. If I don’t want to socialise with that person I can show it through body language (which I have had to learn and I am proud to be better at it than your average male), acting coolly towards them (makes me seem like a total b@$£@rd, so is a last resort) or evade them completely which is the preferable option. The latter is becoming increasingly hard to do, what with things like mobiles and Facebook permeating into our lives.

I have something of a love/hate relationship with my mobile. I use it for emergencies, work related contacts and for communication with my family. Actually, it is a camera first, phone second. I prefer texting to calling as it gives me time to formulate a reply and ensure that I have fully understood what has been said as well as any hidden meanings or sarcasm; something that as an Aspie I struggle with. I do however love my phone as a gadget (and indeed gadgets in general, which I think that I inherited from my dad). Having everything short of a fusion reactor in pocket size is immensely helpful (I am still waiting for a Swiss Army phone with tooth pick, knife, corkscrew and bottle opener!). I never give out my phone number to anyone not closely linked with family or work and it gives me a panic attack when people ask. It’s the same when people ask if I’m on Facebook. To me that suggests a change in the relationship and change, as I have stated before is something that I find about as appealing as a pocket full of live eels. I refuse point blank to be on Facebook, despite the best efforts of my siblings. They think that they’re helping me but it would be a disaster. I have met far too many people that I never wish to see or hear from again to expose myself like that. Every time I have a nervous breakdown I have to disappear from view so that I can recover. Facebook would ruin that. I am also not the same person I was even five years ago. Before that I tried to hide my differences behind an act. People from before then believe that act was the real me. So communicating with people from before then causes me great discomfort and I go to great lengths to avoid them. The past is the past, and that past was terrible for me. I don’t want to go back, and to embrace the Social revolution would be to go back to those times. I am much happier looking in from the outside.