Post Evening Analysis

I did something that I try to do as little as possible last night (no innuendo please, this is a clean blog!). I attended a dinner party with about one-hundred and seventy people. I only do about one large dinner a year, mostly to keep my parents happy; certainly not for fun. It really is my idea of hell, being stuck next to someone I don't really know for roughly two or three hours whilst trying to eat when my stomach is so tied up in knots that it is a real struggle to digest anything. There is no escape once you've arrived, to leave during a meal would be a severe breach of social etiquette. If I could, I would, but my parents raised me according to strict rules concerning manners, so much so that it is able to keep my natural flight instincts under wraps. That is not to say that these rules are unbreakable, but I'm an Aspie: I love rules, even if I don't entirely understand/agree with them.
This time wasn't so bad I guess though I wouldn't say I enjoyed it. It was more interesting than fun. I used the EMDR and I am pleased to say that it does actually help a little. A bit of mindfulness and I was able to remove some of the more unpleasant physical symptoms of my anxiety. Through a bit of preparation I was able to make plenty of small talk, or at least enough to ensure that the two ladies on either side of me were not bored (a big faux-pas apparently!). I've found that as long as I can get them to do most of the talking then I don't have to do much. I much prefer to listen than talk anyway. You can learn a lot if you listen and offer a supportive and sympathetic view.
These kind of events also provide an excellent opportunity to practice my skills with regards to body language. A room full of hundreds of people socialising is absolutely terrifying to me, but when I can focus on a hundred unspoken conversations, it kind of takes my mind off of it. Now that you can make a game out of. Seeing if you can correctly identify who is attracted to who, who is about to have an argument and who wants to leave like me. All I can say is that I am glad that that is over for a while. I can finally relax after a week and a half of anxiety.
On the sad side I felt something for an individual that I met again for the first time in a while. From her body language I could tell the feeling was mutual. I felt comfortable discussing things with her and actually enjoyed her company. I even admitted to her that I had Aspergers, which makes me feel more comfortable, knowing that it is out in the open. However, I know that I cannot rationally commit to anything resembling a relationship yet; to do so would be highly unfair for the other person as I have more than my fair share of problems. Part of me hopes that I'll see her again, but I left without saying goodbye as I was  petrified of having her ask for my number as I (irrationally or rationally?) see that as the start of a commitment to a social relationship. Again, part of me wanted to accept such an outcome, but my fear (and knowledge) of the huge change that it would bring about overruled it. I guess that I didn't know enough about her to know that she would not bring about too much change in my life, and I couldn't risk committing before I knew more. So for the time being I can only imagine 'what if?' again and hope that some day conditions will be more favourable. I have some thinking to do.