Blue Monday

October was a fairly dark month for me. Not as dark as those before my first year at university; but still pretty grey. November too has felt the same so far. I know what depression feels like and I can safely say that I have been depressed at times during the last few months. Even at the best of times there is the feeling of a loss of control of the events that surround me. It’s hard to be optimistic in the current climate. The economy is still struggling but now it is really starting to hurt both my work and my parents. My one major insecurity in life is that I am totally reliant on my parents. I need them. They provide support to me, support that is vital to my mental health and stability. I can go from ‘happy as Larry’ to suicidal in a matter of hours. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I need support. In these situations I won’t go so far as to actually kill myself, but I think about it and that in itself is distressing.

For a few months my parents have been fighting the bank, who are extorting vast sums of money from their business every month. Assets have been and continue to be sold in an effort to keep afloat. Legal action is being prepared against the bank, but legal help costs more money. It is a case that according to legal precedent they should win. The question is whether it will be too late. The whole thing casts a massive shadow of uncertainty over both their and my future.

Ordinarily I would throw myself into my work, but that business is struggling too. My hours have been drastically cut and I have agreed to take a massive pay cut in order to keep the firm above the red, as well as to safeguard my job.

I know how to deal with depression; I’ve been dealing with it since I was thirteen. I can cope with it. I’m not suicidal, so please do not worry about me. I just feel a lot of anxiety at the moment. I don’t like change and the potentially catastrophic changes that could occur are simply too much to think about. At times like this I fall back into the moment I’m in. I try to enjoy the little things in life, be it games, books and music. I’m also going to have to cut back on my twitter experiment. The anxiety that it sometimes causes is unhelpful when I am feeling vulnerable.

All in all not a very optimistic post, but an important one. Many aspies face a lifelong battle with depression. It is key that we learn to identify it, counter it and not let it ruin our lives.

Mr McKinnon.

It was really good news to hear that Gary McKinnon's extradition was blocked. I don't believe that the extradition treaty between Britain and the USA is one-sided. Nor do I believe that he didn't do anything wrong just because he is a fellow Brit or Aspie. What I do believe however, is that he would have killed himself had he been extradited. How do I know that? Because faced with potentially 60 years in prison in another country and culture I can say with absolute certainty that I would take my own life. The change would be cataclysmic and the huge emotional impact would be more than I could bear. ASD doesn't mean that you cannot feel emotion; quite the opposite in fact. I feel far too much. Our brains are wired up in a way that means that we are far more sensitive to emotional stimulus than NT individuals. If you've ever felt overwhelmed by events then you will have some idea of what we quite often face when dealing with change; and believe me when I say that almost every day involves change. And when a change is this huge, that everything you know and love in your world is taken away from you, then life becomes unbearable. The only way out that the obsessive and intensely focused mind of the Aspie would see would be death. Anything to escape from the overwhelming emotion.

I can understand why Gary McKinnon did what he did. I know, and he would have known that it was wrong; but he would have been compelled by his obsessive curiosity to seek out answers to his question. Our SI's completely narrow our focus to such a degree that everything else around us becomes irrelevant and invisible. We cannot help it in the same way that we need to eat and drink. If I think of a question then I am compelled to find an answer, no matter what time at night it is or whatever the possible consequences might be (though the threat of prison in another country has thankfully never been a possibility for me thank God!).

This is not an excuse for what Gary did. I still believe that he should be punished for infringing the rules. After all, we Aspies are known for our love of rules and regulations. I am simply glad that he wasn't extradited to certain suicide. In the end, maybe his skills as a hacker should be employed by either the UK or USA governments. They are certainly a great example of the way that Aspies are quite often the leaders in their fields. The extra publicity for Aspergers Syndrome should also help to improve public perception and understanding for what is at times a horrific burden for any human being to carry. Hopefully Gary can now continue living his life whilst enjoying some of the benefits of it.

An Earth-Shattering Announcement!

From the beginning of next year Aspergers will no longer exist, at least in the USA. No, it has not been 'cured'. It will simply be merged into a broader 'Autistic Spectrum Disorder'. Whether this will apply to the UK, Europe or the rest of the world remains to be seen. This is not as big a deal as it would first seem (or my title would imply; sorry about that, it seems that I'm picking up some journalistic habits). Psychologists have for years debated just how different Aspergers as a diagnosis is from Autism in general. The defining line has always been a fairly blurry one and now it will disappear altogether. Which will mean that I will have to probably change the name of this blog and refer to myself as being and ASD. Change, don't you just hate it?

More info on the upcoming change can be found here: http://www.thespec.com/living/healthfitness/article/811063--autism-redefined-as-asperger-s-diagnosis-disappears

A Social Experiment (sort of...)

A couple of months ago I did the previously unthinkable (for me) and finally joined twitter. My initial reasoning was to gain access to another service that required a twitter account. I planned to barely use it. However, as the weeks have gone on I have found myself using it more and more to follow interesting people and organisations. I had no idea that one of my personal heroes, Richard Wiseman would be on there (@RichardWiseman) and naturally he got a follow; as did Bear Grylls (@BearGrylls)

Straight after signing up I was terrified that I would be dragged into new social situations and whilst I still have no doubt that that would be possible, I have kept a fairly low profile. I didn’t tweet for the first few weeks, and then slowly tweeted a bit more as time went on. My profile, initially non-descript has been updated slowly and cautiously, though I will never give my full name.

 I will never be a fully-fledged tweeter, but it has been and continues to be an important social experiment for me. I am in control of how much I metaphorically dip my toe into the pool. When I feel threatened by sudden social advances I can withdraw. I am learning some useful lessons. I have followers and follow people who I correspond with fairly regularly. It gives me the chance to learn about other cultures without the need for anxiety inducing travel or awkward face to face conversations. I use my phone for something other than emergency calls or browsing the web.

Most people wouldn’t see this as a huge change, but for me it has been fairly significant. If it had occurred in 24 hours, it would have caused me a nervous breakdown. But as it has been a slow and steady change over months, it has been manageable. This all confirms my theory that changes in my life are best made slowly and carefully. Oh and I am still never, ever joining Facebook. That is a promise. 

Damn you sickness!

Sorry that I haven't posted for a while (I really should learn to!). I've been busy feeling sorry for myself whilst suffering acute sinusitis. As if that wasn't bad enough I the antibiotics that the quack (doctor) gave me first time around didn't do much except make me feel sick and lose what little appetite I have. Three weeks and a couple of pounds of weight loss later and nothing has changed. So, mentally preparing myself for round two of almost constant nausea, I went in to see them again.
The result? a stronger dose of antibiotics and Sudafed. As if feeling nauseous wasn't bad enough on its own, the Sudafed apparently has Insomnia and anxiety as two common side effects; three side effects in total that are guaranteed to make the next 2 to 3 weeks a misery... Bugger... 

Back to the Real World

You'd think that three weeks is a long time. To answer my own question somewhat pedantically, I'd say that it depends on what you are referring to. Three weeks would seem like an age if you had a crippling headache the whole time (more on this later; it is relevant I promise you!). But a three week holiday feels like no time at all. It is however enough time to let my brain turn to mush and to become unbearably lazy; in which case I would say that the whole experience has been a success. I met some new people, some of whom I genuinely liked and I got to know some family friends a little better. Although I was worried about the first week with my brother not being there, it turned out to be the best (I haven't learnt anything from this though!). I found a new favourite Weissbier: Fransiskaner Dunkel. I've grown a beard I (I am still considering whether or not to get rid of it). I read a ton of books, finally catching up on a lot of science fiction that I have been meaning to read all year. Those are the good things to come out of this holiday. The bad thing is that somehow I have developed a sinus infection and have had to go on antibiotics as soon as I got bad (that was the source of the three week headache).
However even that could not detract from the experience and I would say that this year was better than last. Coming back on the plane experienced a moments utter serenity as I gazed at the sight of the setting sun over the Mediterranean Sea, the glowing reflection that it cast along the rivers of Aquitaine and Poitou-Charentes and finally the delicate silver clouds floating lazily over the night-time landscape of Britain. Moments of peace such as these do not come along very often for me, be when they do I allow myself to be fully absorbed by them. I guess that since they are so rare, I feel them more than I should. Still, now that I am back in the real world I really need to get my body and mind back up to speed, which means working out to get fit and catching up on some of the latest developments in my SI's and drinking large quantities of caffeine... again.

Aspergers and Tolerance

Aspie's have something of a bad reputation when it comes to tolerance for others. Sadly and I can say this from personal experience (both of myself and other Aspies that I have met) that this is somewhat deserved. Truthfully (and I'm not proud to admit this) I have very little time for people who don't interest me, luckily though people generally do. I don't suffer fools lightly and this sometimes makes me come across as arrogant. It is one of the reasons I do not get along very well with my younger sister. Her concerns often seem trivia. She quite often comes out with ridiculously stupid logic, especially when she is angry (her dog ran away chasing a rabbit so "someone else should shoot all of the rabbits to stop it happening again" was one of her finer moments). As I said, we Aspies can be very intolerant.
However, in many ways we are far more tolerant of some things than NT's. Take for example racism and xenophobia. I don't judge people on their race or where they come from because such factors mean nothing to me when meeting people. If anything it just makes them interesting. Many of my fellow Brits seem to distrust the Argentinians because of the Falklands conflict. This I don't understand. Surely it is a dispute between our two governments not between all Brits and all Argentinians. The same goes for the IRA. I don't dislike all Irish people because of the actions of a small minority as some seem to. If I have a problem with another country's foreign policy I blame the government not the people. To paint everyone in the same colour seems like madness. The same goes for the different religions, classes, education etc. When I meet people I judge them as individuals, something that seems to be common amongst Aspies.